gemsplace

thorn

2011-08-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

every rose has its thorn but how long can you go before the life is totally bled out...........

life

2011-06-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

how on earth can a person be so happy and so sad at the same time?

random thoughts

2011-02-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

well the cold is starting to take its toll on me but im doing pretty well refraining from eating like i want. back on the weight loss mission i have lost almost 20 lbs again, just pray i can keep the mind set and continue on my way to a more healthy me. today i am missing my "friend" dearly but know all is well in his world. i miss the wisdom he once shared with me but i couldnt ask for anything more wonderful than what he has in his life now. i know one day i will find it also. apparently i am a single woman again. im sad that once again a relationship failed but i know that more fault lies in me than anyone else. one day i will be at peace and learn how to love myself so that i can allow myself to be loved and love another.....

just a few random thoughts

2010-07-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

holy cow what an eventful few weeks it has been in my life......so many thoughts and so many emotions flowing right now i just wanna set back and take a deep breath and try and regain my composure.....its amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye, sometimes u just have to grab hold and ride it out.....everything happens for a reason and i believe this with everything in me....i have some of the most wonderful people in my life that a person could ask for....I'm so truly loved from so many directions, but have many moments that i feel more alone than i ever have before....

thank you for loving me so dear
not sure why i feel such fear

tonight the tears run free like so many nights before
but tonight they mean so much more

its not tears of sadness that i had always known
its tears of love that came as i have grown

one day i know u shall be gone
i pray my heart can be hard as stone

happiness in your life has brought you here
thank you my friend for loving me so dear.

gem :)

2010-06-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

well another weekend has come and gone, i cant say it was bad but cant say it was great either...got a lil riding in so thats always wonderful...went to see my mom, shes doing ok but having way to many skin cancers removed from her face here lately, to he point its starting to alter her face some. it really scares me as much as im in the sun, i cake on the sunscreen and keep the burning down some, but the rays still get through my tan lines tell me that....im really needing to take a lil trip on the scooter, just dont have anyone to tag along with anymore....i have days that if i wasnt a responsible adult i would crawl on and take off and never look back, sometimes i just wanna go until i simply cant go anymore...not real sure what im wanting to run from but i think thats what pushes me...one day im sure ill settle into life and be comfortable in my skin again or maybe ill come across someone that has as much of a passion for riding as i do and truly understands what makes my world go round.....well on a different note i think im fixin to have my bike repainted...now my only problem is what color...it will have some shade of pink on it, that is a given...but im not sure what my base coat should be....ive thought about a bone color with kind of a powder pink tribal pin stripping and also knocking around a flat black with a brighter pink tribal pin stripping...im really leaning towards the darker colors simply cause that seems to be more me than the light soft colors...i dont know, gotta kick it around a lil more and decide if i can really take my bike apart and be down long enough to wait on a paint job...lol..that worries me more than anything i think..lol...well ill get it all figured out...............

the things we do

2010-04-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

the human species has to be the oddest of all.....when we were given the ability to reason that pretty much opened the door for us to do some really whacked up things....why do we do the things we do, why is it two people can have such different views on things, but i think the one thing that baffles me the most is what compels us to want to help others......not that I'm complaining, but its one of those things that make you go hhhmmmm....God has a plan and reason for all, one day maybe it will all come to light.....thank you my friend for caring....

where do we go from here?

2009-11-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

just when you think you have things figured out, someone throws you a curve.....go figure

Balance

2009-06-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well we wrapped up one more bike rally of the season this morning. I was up and packed down by 8 am ready to make the venture back home. I headed out before everyone else, wasn’t really feeling in the social mood. The longer I ride the more I like riding alone, never dreamed I would say that. Its amazing how life changes as time goes by and how your outlook on the world evolves with time. Never would I have thought that I would be happy being alone but there is a certain sense of peace that comes with solitude that I cant get any where else. The ride home was wonderful, it was 3 hrs of windshield time that I really needed. A person can do some real soul searching up on two wheels riding in the morning air. Anyone that’s never been on a bike can not comprehend what that actually means.
Friday evening we rolled into camp and got set up and went down into the rally to listen to some good music and have a “few” drinks and partake in all the festivities. Always lots of fun with the wonderful friends that I keep the company of. Sat morning I woke up about 6 thinking I could get to the shower house before everyone else and have some warm water. Well there was a cpl people already there but warm water was not the issue. The water was hot enough to blanch a chicken I swear and I didn’t think the cold water was working at all until all of a sudden that’s all that was coming out..lol.. So needless to say the shower sat morning was nothing shy of an experience. Well got on the road bright and early and headed west to meet up with my riding partner. When I got to the gas station I made a cpl new friends. Riding a bike puts you into a whole different world than the rest of society. Bikers I have come to learn can be some of the friendliest and nicest people you will ever come to meet. a lot of times I will get tickled at peoples reactions to bikers. Grant you I know some are mean and some are bad, but just because we wear leather and ride a motorcycle does not mean that we are going to rob or kill you. Chances are a biker will stop on the side of the road to help you before anyone else will. Anyway enough about that, it’s a topic I can easy get on a roll about these days…ok well back to my lil story. Finally the black ultra comes rolling into the parking lot, right then and there I knew it was going to be a good day. Its been a few months (9 months and 5 days if a person was counting) since I chased the black ultra and as any and everyone that knows me knows I have missed it a great deal. Just a bit of info for any one that’s still clueless, the owner of the black ultra is none other than tumbling dice. Well we loaded up and headed out. He had told me about the famous meers burgers now for a long time, and finally had the opportunity to go check it out. Cpl hrs later we arrive and lucky enough there was no line yet, yet being the key word. Oh and FYI to anyone that don’t know. If your ever in search of the best food in town, all you have to do is look around and see where all the bikers go. A rule of thumb about bikers. Never ask a biker directions if you want the fastest route but if you want to know where the best food is, he is sure to point you in the right direction.
Well we get in and have a wonderful meal, both of us end up stuffed like a dog tick but hey its a meers burger, what do ya expect..lol..well we head out to do some sight seeing, and manage to see a few buffalo which I thought was pretty neat. During this lil ride I was having flash backs of our Colorado/Utah vacation last summer. I spent about 12 days in total aw of what I was smack dab in the middle of. I saw things that I thought a person could only see in a movie. So by the time we got to the base of MT. Scott Saturday I was almost in with drawl. Then we made the climb to the top and I looked around and knew right then this is where the balance of life is. Doing something I truly love, on my scooter that would be parked in my house if the door was big enough, with company that is beyond compare seeing some of Gods most beautiful creations. How can that not be the balance of life?
Well I took my pictures like I always do, I love looking back at them remembering the epic journey that took me there. I honestly think I have more pictures of my bike than I do of my boy. When I got finished looking at it all we loaded back up and headed back north. The wind had been awful all day, but that’s kinda par for the course with us. If we could have a ride and it not be windy, I think it would just confuse me..lol.. We fought it for a good while then decided to stop for some water and rest a bit. We set and cooled off and talked for a while, kinda got caught up a lil on what has been going on the last few months. It has always amazed me how the simplest things can give me such a good feeling, another balance in life. It comes to different people in different ways, mine being a lil odder than most folks I think, but hey that’s what makes my mop flop so be it..well we finish up and I find out that will be our last stop before we part ways one more time. So I get my hug before I mount back up and head out….lil ways down the road our paths split like they always seem to do and we go in total opposite directions, but I know its ok, one day our paths will cross again.
When I got back to camp I checked my mileage and saw we had managed to put 250 miles under the tires in the sun that day and I was pretty tuckered out from fighting the wind. I went to the tent and rested for a lil while before everyone came back to camp for the nights festivities. I wasn’t feeling like the social butterfly that most of the camp is use to me being, but I was in my own lil world and it’s a nice place to be at times. I called it a night around midnight or 1 with no drinks involved and plans of getting up early and heading to the house.
All in all it was a great weekend. I was with my wonderful friends and was allowed to tag along on another journey, not much more in life a person can ask for.
To all my fellow riders
Be safe

And to those in the 4wheel community
Please watch for the bikes. This is our passion
Please help keep us safe.

May God bless each and everyone one.

Thought of the day:

Even though we’re far apart…your always in my heart!

Gem ;)

Did anyone miss me???

2008-06-29T07:24:00.001-07:00

Well here I am after almost 6 months of being away from gemsplace. I really thought about just starting a whole new blog considering how much has happened in the last 6 months in my world but then I got to thinking about it and its almost like I was just on an extended vacation and now I’m back home. Sometimes I think, oh gee what have I really accomplished in the last 3 yrs or so. Seems like I’m in the same place and nothing has changed at all. Then I look at things a lil closer. The things I’ve experienced and learned in just the last 6 months is somewhat mind boggling. Just so you all know, I have found a new love in my life and she just happens to have two wheels. I have been riding my motorcycle now for a lil over a year, but this summer I have discovered a new feeling for it. From the time I first got on I knew it was great, but I am gaining a better understanding of what others talk about “the love they have for riding” . Me and some of my friends have ventured out a little from the house this summer. We had the opportunity to take a 1700 miles ride down in west Texas. The combination of fear and excitement and trill is almost as good as sex..lol.. Thanks to my extended family, terrie and Clifton, I would have never got to go. The feeling of accomplishment is unlike none I have never known before. I have conquered so many fears and have grown by leaps and bounds to the point it is unreal and see no stopping it now. I have been introduced to worlds that I never knew existed among people. In my rounds I have met some of the greatest people I have ever know. I made some really neat friends in east Texas and had the chance to ride with them a few times. I was welcomed into there “family” with open arms but with some regrets have not got to share there company for sometime. I would like to send my love out to bob and rosemary, sherry, tony and boots, sgt G and cindy and who can forget henry and of course the rest of the American Legion riders from post 267 in Marshall, Texas that let me fall into there pack like I had been there all along. Thank you “fuzzy” for introducing me to your “family” , may God bless you all and keep you safe.
Now back to what life holds for me at the present. A few weeks back I stepped back into a comfort zone I have been missing for about a year and a half. Grateful don’t even start to explain it. Now I have the chance to tag along on another great venture. “tumbling dice” managed to locate me a sweet little scooter the other day. Even though its not a Harley, he thinks its not so bad I guess. Or maybe its just the idea of 1500cc setting between my legs gets him all excited….lol who knows about him. I do know its enough to raise my temp a degree or two heheJ …ok I’ll get back on track here. I have bought an 01 Kawasaki vulcan 1500 classic. In the last couple of weeks I have experienced chrome fever. As any one knows, when you have a new baby you have to dress her up. New seat was one of the first things that had to come. After riding bitch with Clifton all the way to Ada my ass was beyond hurting to begin with. Then I decided to get the vulcan, after “tumbling dice” done the jewing for me..lol..thank you so much, I do owe you and plan on starting a payment plan soon as I see you again J . I was riding her home after about 20 miles I knew my ass was going to have to become acquainted with a different seat or it would never be the same again.. I located me a beautiful corbin seat and that was the beginning of my spending spree. We now have new saddle bags, chrome side panel covers, saddle bag brackets, and new tires and breaks. We are almost ready to follow “tumbling dice” up the hill. We are heading for moab Utah July 4th for a road trip. I can hardly contain myself I’m so excited!!!!!!!!!!!! When I get her all dressed up I’ll post some pictures for you all to see.
I guess I should bring this to a close. Sorry for being gone so long, I do hope that I was missed in my absence by a few and I have all intentions of continuing to blog and share all the wonderful experiences and pictures of my many ventures I do hope is to come in the future.

My God bless you all
Stay safe and live life to the fullest.
Never take for granted the life and breath we are given each day.

Thought of the day:

Love requires no map or chart…you only need an open heart.

Gem ;)

Where do I go from here

2008-01-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a very long time since I actually wrote that I honestly don’t know where to start. To catch everyone up on what has happened would basically take a book it seems and I don’t think I’m up for that. Sorry but its nothing that wonderful, just basic life I guess. One thing I can say is that a book in my life has closed. The one that I loved so deeply and for so long is no more. There are very very few things in life that I can say I honestly regret, but I can say I do believe he is one of them. It was long in coming but destined from the start. I can say that I did learn a great deal and discovered who I was along the way. Such things I do not regret. Allowing my self to love so true and so deep however I do. They say what don’t kill you will make you stronger. I’m really not sure what has come of this to make me a better or stronger person. It has brought me in touch with a me that I didn’t realize existed, not sure how good that is, it is just simply the reality of things. Things are not all bad however. Amongst the midst of it all a man seemed to wonder into my life just out of the clear blue. Once again a person that I should not take a glance at, but a man that has managed to captivate my imagination. I didn’t think I would ever find anyone that could touch my mind like tumbling dice did but low and behold dirtydan slapped me in the face with something I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced. a lot of people drift in and out of our life. Some leave more of an impression than others. What causes us to be intrigued by certain people is something I have yet to learn. But with great things seems to always come bad. I know he is not a person that will ever be in my life no matter how much a part of it he has become. I embrace his existence and savor every moment given to me. My dear friend is a very lost soul at this time and I would do anything to show him the way. I’m not sure he actually realizes what affects he has on my being. He brings to the surface things that a very select few have in the past. I knew and even told him the first day we spoke that he was very dangerous to me and that I knew it would be best for us all for me to turn and walk away. But anyone that knows me at all realizes that seems to be something I have a very hard time with. So now here we are, have formed a bond that scares the shit out of us both and I feel like we are both in the same boat. We know we should turn the other cheek and calk it up to a loss, but we have not came to that bridge yet. I still set so often and listen to music that touches my soul, that I can relate to. Lately it as been a drastically different style of music than I normally listen to. In the wee hrs of the morning, when I actually started this blog one particular song seemed to stand out. In the search for why I cant just walk away from DD I was able to relate to this song in so many ways.

Artist:
Three Days Grace
Album:
One-X
Title:
Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling down
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Paint, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Is what keeps me here simply the fact that its better to hurt and feel the pain than to feel numb and nothing at all?

Some very deep lyrics, take from them what you may.

Best of wishes and happiest of dreams…until we meet again

Gem ;)

The Spark

2007-11-19T22:36:00.000-08:00

The Spark
by Gem

An enchanted life in which we live
Yields joyous pleasures for all us to give

Yet in the shadows of this never ending dream.

Foretells of a girl waiting to scream.

Her body is like an ember glowing in the dark

Waiting for the man to fuel that spark .

With the slightest of touch she will be consumed
Feeling only that she is doomed.

How Long

2007-11-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

Artist:
Hinder

Album:
Extreme Behavior

Title:
How Long

Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
How long till this goes away
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time
I do It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
I said fuck that
I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
With one finger
I said fuck that

One more night, one more tear!

2007-09-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well here we are on a cool summers night. It has been a long time since I have written but tonight it seems only right. Typically I write when I’m moved and tonight once again my world shook. For the best I know it is, but pain it brought feels all so real. Many months have passed and lost is an understatement to how I have felt, but I keep searching for a light to carry me from the darkness. Many glows I have saw, many promises have been spoken, but to find a light I have yet to accomplish. No matter how low I get or how futile my search seems, I refuse to let anyone hold me down. Tonight seem gleam but tomorrow is a new day. A new chapter in life shall begin soon as one comes to an end. I want to thank all the wonderful people in my life, I could never make it with out them all. And I want to say thanks for the memories, its been one hell of an experience. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, well I should be one fierce bitch by now.

God bless

Gem

My place........have i finally found it?????

2007-08-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

My Place

Wandering through life in search
of that which burns brightly inside;
Trying to distinguish it's presence
put a name to it's insistent burning.
I traveled down many paths, alone,
wondering where they may lead.
I delved into that which was the norm,
finding only existence rather than life.
I ached and yearned to be truly living,
to be whole in who and what I am.
Trying to understand exactly that
which I knew and felt inside.
I attempted to place it's meaning,
in a world so different than the
one forming in my heart and soul,
leading me always to that place.
The place that I was taught to
view as wicked and immoral,
a place of dysfunction & fear,
a place for only the lost souls.
Always , the path brought me back,
enticing me, exciting me, a sense
of fulfillment on it's very edge,
beckoning me, drawing me near.
i have arrived at that place, knowing,
absorbing , feeling it all seeping in,
filling me, warming me, showing me
life....real living for my heart and soul.
Settling into my place, i smile...
secretly knowing, that it is where i
am supposed to be, where i am whole
and mere existence is but a memory.
i am alive, i am thriving, i am here.
i revel in the completeness i feel,
the happiness in my very being,...
in my submission

Is it 10 o'clock am or pm?

2007-07-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Wanted to stop in and drop a line and report that I’m still alive. This has been a really long couple of weeks. I’m pretty sure I met my self going tonight on the way home. I have been leaving the house at 6:30 every morning and not getting home till 10 every night. But we leave out Thursday for ft smith to play ball. Our first game is Friday night at 6:30, so everyone wish us luck.

God bless

Gem ;)

2007-07-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would stop by and drop a line or two and say hi. I hope everyone has been doing well, life is clicking right along for me. We did have a change of plans on the all stars. We are only going to have to go to ft smith for the game, so that cuts driving time down by about 7 hrs so that was good to hear. The boys have practiced some and let me tell you, they are looking really sharp. This is probably the best group of boys I’ve ever saw play. Its always really cool to see one or two boys on a team really stand out and shine when they play, but to see the entire team do that, its really impressive.
Well I think yesterday was one of the better days I’ve had in a very long time. I got to put a few more miles on my scooter. The weather was wonderful and we went and saw a very good movie. It is so much better to ride with someone than it is to just take off on your own. I was given the opportunity yesterday to do things that I had yet to do on the bike. Use to town really scared me, well now that’s no thing for me. But yesterday we rode on a 4 lane which was new for me and I was a little apprehensive about that, but like everything else that’s happened, it has been no big deal at all once I got out there and done it. Then we rode in a larger town, which I done just fine but was nervous about doing as well. So as I have said in the past. The more I’m on it the more comfortable I get and the more I love it. I can not imagine this not being in my life from now on. This is a world that I do hope to meet someone very special in that I can share the experiences with and who understands the feelings it brings.

God bless and be safe

Gem ;)

Miss Me Baby

2007-07-04T04:19:00.000-07:00

Artist:
Chris Cagle
Album:
Miss Me Baby
Title:
Miss Me Baby

Miss Me Baby
When You Hear Our Favorite Song
Miss Me Baby
And When You Start To Sing Along
Think About All The Times That We Danced
In The Light To It All Night Long, Oh
Then Miss Me Baby
And Want Me Honey
Like You Did The Night You Told Me That You Loved Me
We Couldn't Wait Anymore, Left The Keys In The Door
Took My Hand, Pulled Me Down On The Kitchen Floor
Yeah, We Were That Crazy
Miss Me Baby
Because When He's Holding You
Know That It's Killing Me
Let My Memory Be The Reason, Girl
That You Can't Sleep
And Every Time You Feel His Touch
I Pray To God It's Not Enough
And That I've Touched Your Heart So Deep
Girl, You Can't Shake Me
Cause I Love You, Yes I Need You
Miss Me Baby
Miss Me Baby
Until You Can't Take It No More
Miss Me Baby
Pack Your Bags And Hit The Door
I'm A Man, I Was Wrong, Forgive Me
Come Back Home, I'll Be Waiting, Right Here Waiting
Miss Me Baby
Because When He's Holding You
Know That It's Killing Me
Let My Memory Be The Reason, Girl
That You Can't Sleep
And Every Time You Feel His Touch
I Pray To God It's Not Enough
And That I've Touched Your Heart So Deep
Girl, You Can't Shake Me
Cause I Love You, Yes I Love You, Oh
Miss Me Baby
And Every Time You Feel His Touch
I Pray To God It's Not Enough
And That I've Touched Your Heart So Deep
Girl, You Can't Shake Me
Cause I Love You, Yes I Need You
Miss Me Baby
Every Time You Hear This Song
Miss Me Baby

All Stars!!

2007-06-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well not just a whole lot to report to my huge fan club I have going on here..lol…actually not real sure why anyone even still drops by for a peek in my messed up world..anyway about the only thing exciting going on around here other than the fact I think we can officially say the drought is over and oh by the way, is anyone building a freakin boat around here..lol.. Is that we got a call today and my son has made the all star team. He is absolutely beside himself. Looks like we will be headed to Mississippi for a few days to play ball. This is the beginning of the little league world series. Not sure yet when we go down but I’m probably looking forward to it just about as much as he is. It is a real honor for him to be one of the few picked. I think they normally will pick 12 kids for the team out of all the teams in the league. So needless to say, if there is anyway for that boys head to get any bigger it has..lol..but I’m so proud of him, I will wait until after the games are over to burst his bubble and bring him back to reality. that’s just want mommas are suppose to do. Wish us the best of luck. I will keep “everyone” (I have such a big following..ha ha)posted as to how it all goes. Expect pictures as well, another thing mommas are suppose to do, just kinda part of the job. It will be a great time I’m sure, I cant wait.
Well guess I should bring this to a close. I want to say hi to all my friends, new and old. Hope to get around soon if the rains will let up and put a few miles on our scooters.

God bless

Take care and ride safe

Gem ;)

Last dance

2007-06-23T00:16:00.000-07:00

As I set here in the wee hours of the morning, many things trickle through my mind. Anything from terrible times some of my friends are going through right now to the great times me and a friend have shared. What seems to always out weigh anything else are the struggles I have within my self. One day it may pass, but tonight its hitting home very hard. When I feel like this, I tend to do a bit of reading, normally it will be song lyrics or poems. Tonight it happened to be a little of both, but one particular poem caught my eye. Not sure if I ever shared it before, If I have I do apologize for the repeat. None the less it’s a very touching poem and I felt the need to share it tonight or better yet this morning with you all.

Last Dance
by Aingael ©

my eyes swell from the tears they shed
my heart aches from the words we have said
forever i shall feel the love i have in my heart
but still,'tis almost too much,
the the thought of being apart.
my mind is tired
my thoughts run wild
I feel so vulnerable, almost as a child.
I have no one to blame for life's outcome.
yet I just know what’s here inside is very dear.
my words won't come as id like for them to.
i can't clear my mind
of my thoughts of you
if the hands of time would only turn back
and, in my mind, i wish the unreal
my heart is breaking how do i stop the pain?
i know in my heart i must let you go,
yet my Best Friend i shall lose too.
i have many memories of the love we have shared
if only...
no, You knew i cared.
silence falls deep inside of me.
for id always thought it was meant to be.
all those precious memories i will keep wrapped up
with covers of love and stow away
hoping to share them with you again, someday.
time will lick and heal all these many wounds,
and God will see me through
So please forgive me
if i still have many thoughts of you.
the anger is hard to keep away
the love is greater, and soon wins out
for that is what these words are all about
and in this lifetime...well....maybe
if given a second chance, id save, just for you, one
last dance .

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Stay safe and my God bless you

Gem ;)

2007-06-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair
You know you just keep me hanging round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
And it's alright
Yeah, I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
Cause nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

2007-06-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hidey hoe neighbors, hope everyone is having a good week. I’m feeling much better so its not been to bad for me. Glad to see the weekend roll around. I don’t have any earth shattering news or information to share tonight, just wanted to stop and say hi and share a couple of photos.
I came upon this rattle snake a few nights ago on my way home. Actually I was home but still in the road and there he was. Mind you I am actually a snake lover, but to have a rattle snake this size roaming around my house, I just couldn’t let it happen. So I managed to kill it and decided I would take some pictures. He hung off both sides of the tail gate just a little and had 9 rattlers and a button. To me this seemed like not many considering the size of the snake, but none the less that’s what he had. He was every bit as big as my upper arm (being a big girl, I have big arms). Anyway here are a couple of pictures of it. The one picture I tried to get from over the top of him so you could appreciate the diameter of his body.

Well guess I will bring it to a close, hope everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend….

Take care and God bless.

Gem ;)

Far away

2007-06-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

Artist:
NICKELBACK
Album:
All The Right Reasons
Title:
Far Away

This time,This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love youI have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Get well soon

2007-06-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

Hello to all, just so you know that I have not dropped off the face of the earth I thought I would stop in and say hey.
Have been a little busy with ballgames lately and just basically have not had a lot to talk about. I guess the most exciting thing going on with me right now is my scooter. The more I ride the more I like it. Still a little nervous but that lessons with each and every ride.
Well today has been a very dreary day for me. I have not felt good all week and today finally gave into it and stayed home from work and slept most of the day. Started taking some antibiotics yesterday, I have my oh so dreaded sinus infection that I seem to get ever so often especially when I get tired and run down, it never fails. I did get a message from my long time friend today telling me why he had not been in contact with me for the last little while. Found out he had been in the hospital which basically infuriated me, but not like there is anything I can do about it. If he had wanted me to know I guess he would have let me know. Its just a shame he doesn’t have room or time in his life for me, but I guess it is just something I have to learn how to deal with. I am just glad to know he is ok, I have been very worried for the past few days and I do pray for his recovery. No matter what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future, he will always mean a great deal to me and I will have a certain amount of love for him in my heart till the day I die. I’m not sure if everyone experiences something like this in there life but I can say that I have. My heart and soul has truly been touched by this man and it will affect me from now on. I am still as unsure today as I have ever been as to why he has had such an affect on me, all I know is that he has from the time we first talked and I can honestly say I think it I will feel it until the day I die, but if the feelings do not go both ways then all you can do is deal with it and know it will never be. So each day continues to be a struggle, but I guess that is what life is all about. It teaches us to be strong and to be a better person. No matter how bad it hurts at times, I will always be grateful that I have experienced what I have and have been given the opportunity to learn all the things I have.
It has been a very long time since I have posted a thought of the day. But I found this one and felt I needed to share it with you all.

Carve quiet spaces in
Your life and in the
Silence you will hear
The angels.

May God bless you and keep you safe in his arms.

Gem ;)

Bleed for me

2007-05-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

Artist:
SALIVA
Album:
Unknown
Title:
Bleed For Me

All I ever wanted
was to be at your service
but now I'm alone
cause you were here and you're gone
And all I ever wanted
was to feel I had a purpose
but now that's all gone
But if you could give me
just one love
just one life
just one chance to believe in mine
just one love
just one life
you'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
Bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind
All I ever wanted
was to be what you needed
cause something so strong
it could never be wrong.
And all I can promise
is to say what I'm feeling
We've made it so long
But if you could give me
just one love
just one life
just one chance to believe in mine
just one love
just one life
you'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
You'd bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind
Just one love in my life...
You'd bleed for me
and I didn't dare to notice you
now I'm stuck
out on a line.
Bleed for me
I didn't care to be with you
now you're stuck in my mind

I miss you

Gem ;)

Scooter

2007-05-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Good evening all. Sorry for neglecting the blog like I have been here lately. I haven’t had a lot going on as you all know for sometime and tonight is nothing any different. Today however I did finally get to ride my scooter to work. It was a really good ride, seems to be getting better and better each time I crawl on. Planning on going to my first poker run with some friends the first of June. I’m really apprehensive about it, but if I don’t suck it up and just do it, I will never get over my fear of being out of my comfort zone. Anyway wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

God bless

Gem ;)

She is here!!!

2007-05-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well today I finally took possession of my bike. Soon as we got it home and unloaded I took it out for a little spin. didn’t go real far, just down by the lake and back. I did that a few times to try and get comfortable with it and then my uncle came over on his bike. He didn’t know that I had got mine already and was going to get me to ride to town with him. He was like, lets go to town and I told him I wasn’t ready to go into town yet and he said yes you are come on, told blake to get his helmet and I figured I might as well do it. Well I got together and we headed to town. I was apprehensive about it but I’m really glad that I went. It was a short ride but it was great. I’m still nervous about it, but I can tell it is easing up. It will take me a little while but I will be there before I know it…anyway I took a couple of pictures that I of course have to share. I know everyone don’t share in my excitement, but let me tell you, it great.

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

A poem - The chore

2007-05-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

The chore
by Gem

I have been held
I have been kissed
But your touch is the one I miss.

All the times you held me near
I thought our love would persevere.

But your love for me was not as strong
As I thought it was all along.

My love for you will always be true
Leaving me with feelings, not knowing what to do.

I know some how I’ve got to move on
But how do you tell the heart it doesn’t belong.

This is a chore greater than expected
I have yet to figure out how to become disconnected.

Everyone tells me time takes away the sorrow
So I pray every night it will be gone tomorrow.

But I awake every morning with you on my mind
Knowing my soul is still yet confined.

She is cherry red and sweet as pie

2007-05-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well just thought I would stop and drop a line. I don’t really feel ling blogging tonight, but didn’t want anyone to think I had died. I am officially the new owner of a pretty red Honda shadow. Me and a friend took it to get new tires and have it serviced. Hope it will be ready by this weekend, he said it would just depend on when the tires came in. anyway I’m still very excited about it, just hope I like it as much as I think I will. Tomorrow I will go and take my written test to get my license, kind of nervous about that a little, but I guess I will do ok. I picked up a manual and have read through it and it seems to be most everything we done in our class this past weekend and I made a 100 on that test so surely I can pass this one…oh well I guess only time will tell. Other than that, nothing much happening around my neck of the woods. Work still sucks but that is kind of par for the course. I’m a little up in the air about some stuff tonight, do you ever wonder why you do things sometimes, esp when they are totally out of nature for you.
think I will call it a night.

God bless

Gem ;)

Not always so impressive

2007-05-03T23:05:00.000-07:00

Well guess I’ve not been doing such a great job at keeping everyone entertained. This should not be anything of surprise to anyone that knows me. I am far from being an entertaining person much less figure out how to impress anyone. I am what I am. I have spent the last two years of my life trying to impress and I never got it quite right.
To update everyone, I am now more than half way through my vacation and I have basically accomplished nothing at all. This has been a very depressing week for me just for that reason. I don’t do well being unproductive generally. Today I loaded up the farm..lol…( my son acquired two ducks for easter and cant forget our dog Kenya) and came to my moms. couldn’t leave the ducks home, they are still babies and I am going to be over here the rest of the week, so no choice but to bring them with me. Anyway we all made it over here safe and sound. This evening I got to ride my sisters bike. It was a really great experience for me, I am looking forward to my class even more this weekend.
Well I would like to pull out a nice little poem or something like that tonight, but its just not in me. Sorry if this hasn’t impressed anyone, maybe I will do better next time.
I have so many mixed emotions bouncing off the walls right now, feel like its not even safe. I have yet to figure out how it is possible to have such hard and hurt feelings towards someone and love them in the same breath. At some point one has to out weigh the other and life will balance out again. Seems like every time my sights are on the horizon something happens and its like total whiplash for me. With this, it does happen to bring a song into mind. I was able to locate the lyrics and figured what the hell, might as well share with the world right…..

The song is preformed by savage garden
And it is entitled break me shake me

I never thought I'd change my opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I've never known
You moved me in a way that I've never known
But straight away you just moved into position again
You abused me in a way that I've never known
You abused me in a way that I've never known

So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known
You confuse me in a way that I've never known

So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

She says, "I can help you, but what do you say?
"But it's not free baby, you'll have to pay
You just keep me contemplating
That your soul is slowly fading
God don't you know I live with a ton of regret?
Coz I used to move you in a way that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that you've never known
But you hurt me in a way that I've never known...

Break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
So won't you break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

Listen, babyYou'll be, you'll be alone

Break me shake me hate me take me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate me take me
Break me...

I shall call it a night

God bless you all

Gem ;)

Bikes,baseball and blues...does life get any better?

2007-04-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well I’m proud to report that I made it through last week with out falling out. Last Thursday was the all dreaded inventory that I have spoken of a few times in the past month or so. Our numbers came back and we actually done very very well. It has been a very stressful time for me in all areas of my life for the past couple of months. Most of the time I don’t understand even though I strive to so dearly. All I can do is keep telling myself it all happens for a reason and have faith.
Yesterday was a very exciting day for me. I went to a friends house and got to ride my official soon to be motorcycle for the first time. It was so awesome. The first time I had ever driven a bike, only rode on one once before. And with the first time riding I had my first wreck…lol.. Needless to say nothing was broken, just some loss of skin and a few sore muscles and some new color…lol..but its all good. I got up and picked it back up and got on and took off again. I’m sure I will have many more spills before its all said and done with. My friend was watching me and he was like, ok now woman your getting just a little to brave there. It is going to take lots of practice but I know I can do it or die trying. This is something I have been very interested in for a long time, I figure its about time for me to stop setting back watching everyone else and get in the middle of it myself. If God feels it is time to take me then he will no matter what I’m doing. Then yesterday evening I went riding with my uncle for a couple of hours. We was clocking right along and I was thinking, damn it seems like we are going fast, I looked and well he was bouncing between 90 and 95 and I was thinking, ok this would explain why it feels like we are going so fast. It is a total trip and I can understand how it can get into your blood so easily. I just cant wait till I can get out and do my own thing. I am suppose to take my riding class next weekend, but my son informed me that we may have a ballgame in Tulsa this next weekend and if that is the case then I will have to put off my school for another time. Should find out in a couple of days what will be going on and I will take it from there.

We had our first baseball tournament this past weekend. My son is on two different teams which I think I have mentioned in the past. Well it so happened both teams was playing in the tournament and we thought we would be able to swing both teams until they came against one another…we found out the night before we could only play on one team so he chose his travel team, which is his team from school. They did really well the first two games but lost the third. Blake, which is not a pitcher, pitched 3 innings and done awesome. He didn’t give up any runs, he struck 4 out and only walked one. It is amazing how far he comes every year. I did get some good pictures of him that I will try and attach. Hope you all like.

I guess I will wrap this up for now. I would like to share with you some lyrics from a very beautiful song. I love music from one end of the spectrum to the other, but my heart seems to always go back to blues. Maybe its more the history behind my discovery of the music I don’t really know. I just know when I hear it, it just feels right if that makes any sense at all. This song is sang by the great BB King. If you have never listened to any of his music I encourage you make a point to hear it and give yourself the opportunity to feel it. This song I want to share is called “Sweet Sixteen”. the lyrics are very moving when read but it don’t mean a thing until you actually listen to the song. This is a song that I have had in my play list now for I figure close to 3 yrs, have listened to it a thousand times I’m sure, but today I actually heard it.

When i first met you, baby

Baby, you were just sweet sixteen

When i first met you, baby

Baby, you were just sweet sixteen

You just left your home then, woman

Ah, the sweetest thing i'd ever seen

But you wouldn't do nothing, baby

You wouldn't do anything i asked to

You wouldn't do nothing for me, baby

You wouldn't do anything i asked to

You know you ran away from your home, baby

And now you wanna run away from old b. too

You know i loved you, baby

I loved you before i could call your name

You know i loved you, baby

Baby i loved you, i love you before i could call your name

Well, it seems like everything i do now baby

Everything i do is in vain

My brother's in korea, baby

My sister's down in new orleans

Brother's in korea baby

My sister's down in new orleans

You know i'm having so much trouble woman

Baby, i wonder, what in the world is gonna happen to me

You know i love you

And i'll do anything you tell me to

You know i love you

And i'll do anything you tell me to

Well, there ain't nothing in the world, woman

Babe, it ain't nothing

Nothing in the world i wouldn't do it for you

You can treat me mean, baby

But i'll keep on loving you just the same

You can treat me mean baby

But i'll keep on loving you just the same

But one of these days, baby

You're gonna give a lot of money

To hear someone call my name

Yes, sweet sixteen baby... sweet sixteen...Yes, the sweetest thing baby

The sweetest thing i ever seen

You know i'm having so much trouble, woman

Baby i wonder

Yes i wonder

Baby i wonder

Oh, i wonder what in the world's gonna happen to me

My only question is, who was it directed towards??

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

Post #100/new doors/and the important things in life

2007-04-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

All is well in my world on this glorious Friday night. I have pretty much given up on work. Inventory is Thursday and the store is no where ready for it and none of the management seems to care and most everyone else has the same attitude, I think its about time for me to stop making myself sick worrying with it. It will come and it will go and its not like they can take your first born child or anything, no need in making myself miserable over it. Ok with that said and done we shall get to the important things in life……BASEBALL!!! Can I get an amen out there…lol.. We had our first summer league game tonight. Thought we was going to get to play on both teams in the tourney but we was told late last night that we wasn’t going to get to. So my boy decided to play for his school team which is the travel team we are on. His other coach was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t play for them, but he had to make a decision and that was what he decided and I stood behind his decision. We barley have enough for a team to begin with and then one of the boys was out sick tonight so that made us have to play with only 8 kids. I thought the umpires was going to not let us play, but the man over the tournament said to let us play, so play we did. It was a really great game, the boys played there hearts out. A young bunch of kids, my boy is the oldest on the team, but they really looked sharp tonight. The final score ended up being 7 to 3 in favor of us. My young man had three RBI’s and scored three runs. He is the first baseman on this team and made a couple of really impressive plays. For the other team he is there primary pitcher. He’s not the strongest pitcher in the world, but can hold his own for a few innings. Ok maybe mom is just a little proud of her boy, but what can I say…he is my only one and I honestly couldn’t ask for a better kid than what he is. He makes straight A’s in school, he does well in sports and would help anyone without thinking twice. don’t get me wrong, he is a 12 yr old boy (soon to be 13) and has plenty of time to screw up and he is a little shit, but so much of that is just expected. Anyway the day went fine and the night was great. Had the opportunity to speak with a friend tonight finally, we played phone tag for a little while but was finally able to connect, so all is good. We will be back at the field at 10 in the morning ready to hit it again and then our third guaranteed game is scheduled for 5 tomorrow evening. If we win that one, we will play in the championship on Sunday I guess, not real sure how the bracket is laid out. Anyway I’m sure you will hear all about it when its said and done.
Well sounds like the washer is done, better get the uniform in the dryer and take my happy ass to bed. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Take care
And Gob bless you and your loved ones

Gem ;)

Oh and incase anyone is interested..this is post number 100
Yee haw!!!

You learn

2007-04-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

Artist:
Alanis Morissette
Album:
Jagged Little Pill
Title:
You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)wait until the dust settles
Chorus
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
Repeat Chorus
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
Repeat Chorus
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

God bless

Gem ;)

Its all good

2007-04-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Good evening to all. Well Tuesday has come and is almost gone and it has been a very good day for me. Work pretty much still sucks but inventory will be over soon and everything will calm back down and my nerves will be back in check. I shared some really exciting news with a friend tonight and he unfortunately was not as excited about it as me. Well I’m not going to hold my breath on anything, I have about learned that by now, but anyway guess time will tell all….anyway all is good in my world, I found a riding course that I plan on taking probably the 5th and 6th of May and then will begin my search for a bike. I might have one found, but not sure if that’s what I want yet. Guess I will just have to look around and see what I like and what feels good to me and go from there. Well think I will call it a night.

My God bless all the friends and families that have been affected by the tragedy at Virginia tech.

As I have said once and I’m sure will say many more times in the future, don’t take life for granted. None of us know when we will draw our last breath. Love your family with all your heart and make sure they know it at all times.

Gem ;)

Between two closed doors

2007-04-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all. A long week it has been in my simple little world. Things are good all and all but stress is about to get me. I have had a couple of ulcers come up in my mouth the last couple of weeks due to stress, kind of makes me wonder what the inside of my stomach looks like. Oh well it will heal like everything else, all I need is a little time. I do have a vacation coming up soon and the closer it gets the more I seem to look forward to it. Summer baseball is in full swing, and of course mom couldn’t me happier. Not sure how I’m going to keep up, but I’m sure I will figure it all out. We didn’t have enough boys at our school to make up a summer team in my sons age group so we decided to go to another town to play league ball. Then our little travel team pulled back together so guess we will be doing that also. It works out ok, the league plays during the week and then the travel team will be hitting it on the weekends. We hear we will be playing a lot in Durant this year with the travel team, but also planning on doing the Dale City and Bixby tourneys also. I cant wait, its going to be a great season for the boys. And sometime in there I will be taking the course to get my motorcycle license. Another thing I’m really looking forward to. So busy busy, but that is not a bad thing at all.
I want to send thanks out to my friend Brad. That was a very nice comment you left on my blog. Thanks for the support you have shown me, even though your sure I don’t listen to anything you have ever said. I do hear a lot and I know I will be ok.

The door
by Gem

Standing in the dark behind a closed door
I know in my heart there has to be more.
Here I have had much time to think
Alone in the dark, I fear to blink.
How many doors have I missed over the years
Staring at the closed one through all the tears.
How do you tell a heart when not to love.
How do you tell your mind who not to think of.
Standing in the dark so many feelings come to light
It has brought in me such a fight.
Has it all been a waste
Was the pain worth the taste
Of a love so true
Yes it was, for I adored you.

God bless you all
Gem ;)

Time

2007-04-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

I never ask for anything that cost a dime,
all I wanted was a little of your time.
days would come
nights would pass
now I know not to even ask.

Gem ;)

Freedom

2007-04-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Into the wind you wish to ride.
With no one standing at your side.
A life alone is what you desire.
As my dreams come under fire.
A beautiful soul i have seen.
But lately you seem so mean.
In my heart i know its your way of pushing me away.
For i know you cant deal with me each and every day.
A world of happiness i wish for you.
Freedom and peace i know you shall pursue.

what hurts the most

2007-04-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Artist:
Rascal Flatts
Album:
What Hurts the Most
Title:
What Hurts the Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry

Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me

There are days

Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close

And having so much to say

And watchin you walk away

Never knowing, what could have been

And not seein that lovin you

Is what i was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go

But i'm doin it

It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone

Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret

But i know if i could do it over

I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close

And having so much to say

And watchin you walk away

Never knowing, what could have been

And not seein that lovin you

Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close

And having so much to say

And watchin you walk away

And never knowing, what could have been

And not seein that lovin you

Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you

that’s what I was tryin to do…

after 3 years i give up

2007-04-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

I quit.......fuck it, you win.........

Happy Easter

2007-04-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yes I am still living
Yes I am still stressed
Yes I am still in love….lol..
Nothing different from the last three years.

Sorry feeling a tad bit sarcastic, but in good humors for the most part. don’t really have anything to write about tonight, just wanted to let all my like 3 readers know that I’ve not died or anything.
Looking at getting a bike soon however, gas prices are killing me. They pay me just enough at work to buy gas so I can go back and work more, it’s a vicious cycle…..lol….. Anyway I’m so very excited about learning how to ride. My sister is the last person that I would have ever imagined on a bike. She was always miss perfect and never done anything. Well she bought one out of the blue and learned how to ride a couple years ago and just loves it. I’ve wanted to for a very long time and I have some very dear friends that ride so that makes me want one even more, so I can go play with them..lol.. Anyway hope to get one soon and then the fun will begin.
Well I’m going to bid you all good bye.

God bless you all and keep you safe.
May you treasure the time you have with your family and loved ones during this joyous holiday weekend. Remember what its all about.

I send out my love

Gem ;)

Boycotted?

2007-03-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

Hhhhmmm, can a person be boycotted?

boy·cott -To abstain from or act together in abstaining from using, buying, or dealing with as an expression of protest or disfavor or as a means of coercion.

I say yes.

Gem ;)

Is it Friday yet!!!!

2007-03-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

Well it is Tuesday a.m. and I’m getting ready for work, just thought I would drop a line to say hi to you all. I’ve been really neglecting my blog the last little while, but life is becoming very hectic for me. The stress at work is about to get to me and then everything that goes on in my every day life on top of that has been enough to knock me down a few notches. Would say I don’t have anything to say this morning, but that wouldn’t really be true. Lets just say I don’t really have time to say much this morning. I think I will share a few lyrics with you and call it good. As I have spoken before, some of us speak through others words, maybe this is why music and poetry are such a big factor in my life and the desire I have to understand the lyrics that I listen to. I know it seems odd to some (brad :P) but it brings a sense of peace to me when I can listen to it and feel like the song was written for/about me and the joys and sadness that accompany me daily. I have not always been so interested in the lyrics of a song, I picked that habit up from “tumbling dice” himself. But it is something that I am very thankful to have been exposed to. I have so many great and wonderful things in my life and so many reasons to rejoice every day, yet I tend to let one or two things bring my world crashing down all to often. We should all live like today is our last, for we never know that its not. Play with all your might and love with all your heart. I believe love is the most powerful emotion that God put into us. It has the ability to make you the happiest person on earth and set you on top of the world, yet in the same hand it can bring you down the hardest and make you feel like the world is setting on top of you. I have come to the conclusion that most people have a better grip on that emotion than I. One day I am sure I will find my place in this world. I really doubt its going to be where I want it right now, but have always been told that God will do what is intended and he don’t need any help. Sometimes its very difficult to live on faith, its something that I do not do nearly enough. I pray that God will ease my pains and help me deal with the stress and sorrow that seem to be overwhelming to me at this point in my life. I have to many wonderful thing and to much going for me to give up on life and everything in it. Some days its just very difficult to see them all. Ok well I guess I have turned this little hi into pretty much a full blown blog now. Guess it is time to dry the eye and grab hold of my boot straps and get this day started. I do want to share a song that has been on my mind for a few days now. It has been covered by a few different artist but I think one of my favorite versions is by the great Janis Joplin. She puts feeling into this song that I don’t hear in the other covers.

Didn't i make you feel like you were the only man, yeah,
An' didn't i give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know i did!
And each time i tell myself that i, well i've just had enough,
But i'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I said come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah.
Hey! have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh yes indeed.All right!
You're out on the street looking good, honey,
Deep down in your heart i said you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never hear me when i cry at night.
Honey, i cry all the time!
And each time i tell myself that i, well i can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, i'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good ¡º hey!
Now all right!
Now come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Break another little bit of my heart, honey, yeah.
Hey! have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good.
Hey! hey! have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
Break it, break it, break it, yeah.
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Aw and I cant forget the thought of the day:

When in your heart
you feel a tug…
just know it’s an
an Angel Hug.

May God bless you all and keep you safe
Gem ;)

Sad songs

2007-03-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well I went to the concert and I did get a couple of pictures I want to share with you all, but not tonight. I’m just not really in the mood to write a lot. So thought I would stop in and say hi, post some lyrics to a song I just heard. It Brings to mind many memories of the last three years. All the wonderful music I have been shown and discovered. All the nights lyrics have been read and discussed. How sometimes through other peoples pain and love, words have been spoken to me. Sometimes a song has a way of speaking when you are at a loss for words.

Music by elton john

Lyrics by bernie taupin

Available on the album breaking hearts

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain

And ironing out the rough spots

Is the hardest part when memories remain

And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio`cause from the lips of some old singer

We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on

Turn on those sad songs

When all hope is gone

Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room

Just feel their gentle touch

When all hope is gone

Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down

When every single word makes sense

Then it's easier to have those songs around

The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you

And it feels so good to hurt so bad

And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say

Sad songs, they say so much.

May God bless you all and give me strength and help guide me.

Gem ;)

Where is my existence?

2007-03-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

OMG I cant believe its already Friday. The week has totally flown by for me. Still lots and lots of stuff going on at work for me but I do think I might actually see the dim glow of the light at the end of the tunnel. It will all be over soon and then I will be able to take my vacation. Seems daily I look more and more forward to it. I have no plans unfortunately, honestly hopped that I would have some company for a day or two of it, but that is not looking real good. Oh well just a break from there for a week will be good.

Well I’m so excited about tomorrow. It’s concert time once again boys and girls. My boy and I are going with my dear friend and concert buddy Terrie and her husband, the one always behind the camera..lol, to see ZZ Top tomorrow night. Its going to be a great time I’m sure, we always have a blast. I’m going to attempt to sneak our cameras in so if all goes well I will have a picture or two to share with you guys. We pretty much ended up in the nose bleed section, and that was after getting to the gates an hour early and standing in line for 3 ½ hrs in the cold for the tickets. We found out that people came in the day before and camped out. But I’m sure it will be great anyway.

Now for life and the question of the day. What world am I in? is my only existence in the World Wide Web or do I exist beyond that point? Sometimes my life feels like it’s a dream and I’m standing in the shadows watching it pass on by. I want so desperately to be part of the other world, but I’ve yet to understand how to get there. Sometimes I feel like I get to the threshold and then the door closes in my face and I don’t have the key. One day it will be as it should. What that is I don’t have a clue, but I have faith that God will do what is in our best interest.

Anyone that knows anything about me at all knows of my interest in music and song lyrics. I have come across a song that I think is truly great. The lyrics are not the best I’ve ever read, but the music is just grand. Tonight I feel like I can kind of relate to the song, maybe that’s why it has touched me like it has, not really sure.

Artist:
Korn
Album:
See You On The Other Side
Title:
Coming Undone

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black bots have come
Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me
That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Be straight
Be deliverance
[Chorus]
Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicateWait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Choke choke again
I find my demons are my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet chugga gun
Does not protect me
That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strikeMake it quick now
[Chorus]
I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better
[Chorus]

Well I think I will call it a night now that its not Friday anymore..lol.
I’ll leave you with the thought of the day:

A hug delights and warms
and charms….that must be
why God gave us arms.

I’m still looking for my strength, I pray God shows me the way..love always

God bless you all

Gem ;)

Rights, wrongs and goobers

2007-03-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

Ok maybe I’m just a total blundering idiot, but I honestly have yet to figure out what I do wrong. I try to love, its not accepted. I try to be nice and act as a lady should, its rejected. It seems no one can deal with who and what I am. If my love can not be accepted and looked upon as the most wonderful gift I can give, then I guess I am not at fault. if I cant go out with a man and him respect me and my body and treat me as a lady and expect nothing else then I guess I am not at fault. For I am who I am. When I love it is with all my heart, very few have had the opportunity to see what I have to give, but alas it is to much for some to handle I guess. We all do what we can and this I understand. The pain of having a heart so full of love and no one to accept it is so much to bare at times, so then I ask, where do I go wrong. At times I think I will make a new start, I know there is someone worthy of my heart. Then I see how most men tend to be and know its not right for me. I am a lady and expect to be treated as one. I could be the wildest lover you have ever known, but that is earned and should never be expected. That is who I am and will never change. A wonderful friend once told me not to worry about sex, when the love is there everything else will be and it’s the most wonderful thing there is. This I believe with all my heart, it’s a real shame that not everyone understands it. I am truly blessed to have known that feeling, to know that I would do anything in my power to make my lover happy. It is a feeling and a pleasure that can not be described. Anyone that does not want to wait for the love to fuel the sex, then I must send my condolences out. You have not experienced life until you have experienced that.

Thought of the day:

We are, each of us,
Angels with one wing.
And we can fly only
by embracing each other.

May God bless you and keep you safe, bring joy and happiness into the lives of all our loved ones.

I want to send a hug out to my friend brad, better know as bks. He is the one that introduced me to the world of blog. It has been really nice to come and share things with anyone that wants to read. He has the daily struggles of life like we all do, but tends to have a more positive outlook on things than most do normally. He is a goober but ya gotta love him…lol… our friendship has been a rocky road at times, but he has never been one to judge. Might tell me what a goober I am sometimes, but hey what are friends for right. So anyway if you ever get bored might think about stopping by his place and see what all kinds of stuff he has to say. This is his address, its not bad reading at times. he is just a little more gifted with writing than me..lol..I have to admit he has written some kick ass poems, oh and don’t get the big head dude, your still a goober..lol.. http://yrydhi.blogspot.com/

Gem ;)

" The heart of the matter"

2007-03-09T07:32:00.000-08:00

well this is where my head was all night:

i got the call today, i didn't wanna hear

But i knew that it would come

An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone

She said you’d found someone

And i thought of all the bad luck,

And the struggles we went through

And how i lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door

Make us throw off our contentment

And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now

But i miss you sometimes

The more i know, the less i understand

All the things i thought i knew, i'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down

To the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But i think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined

And people filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age?

The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They're the very things - we kill i guess

Pride and competition

Cannot fill these empty arms

And the work i put between us

You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now

But i miss you, baby

And the more i know, the less i understand

All the things i thought i'd figured out

I have to learn again

I've been trying to get down

To the heart of the matter

But everything changes

And my friends seem to scatter

But i think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down you know they hurt your pride

You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on

You keep carryin' that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby

I've been trying to get down

To the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak

And my thought seem to scatter

But i think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been tryin' to get down

To the heart of the matter

Because the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

So i'm thinkin' about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me

Forgiveness

Forgiveness - baby

Forgiveness

Even if, you don’t love me anymore

Gem ;(

Lets play ball!

2007-03-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

Good evening, we had our first baseball games of the spring season tonight. We drove up to Clayton and explained the game of baseball to them today..lol.. We won both games but the boys really didn’t do that good of a job, but I’m sure they will fall back into the groove and click along just fine.
Not really in the mood to write tonight but I did hear a really nice song today while I was driving and thought I would pass some lyrics along…..

Artist:
Melissa Etheridge

Album:
Yes I Am

Title:
I Will Never Be The Same

So you walked with me for a while
Bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know
In the morning of the night
You cried a long lost child
And I tried on I tried to hold you
But you were young
And you were wild
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf
In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be draggin' you along
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same
And you swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you had no shame
But I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same
But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same.

And my blog wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t share the thought of the day:

An angel in the house
they say…will guard
your family night and day.

God bless

Gem;)

TGIF!!!

2007-03-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

As darkness has fallen on a beautiful night,
I thought I would set here and write
of things that make me sad
and things that make me blue,
but I know there is really no use.
So instead, I shall write of good times and the many laughs I’ve had today.

Work was very long but went well for me today. I still have a lot to get done, but I know it will come in time. Finally we was all back together at work, me and my two wonderful friends. Some days I’m not really sure I could make it without Terrie and Debbie to stand at my side. Two better friends I couldn’t ask for. My boy has gone to his nana’s one more time, so the house is really quiet tonight. I thought about going driving, just not sure where I would drive to..lol.. So figured I might as well set down and surf the web a little, talk to a friend or two and bore you guys with another attempt at poetry on my part…lol…I’m sorry to torment you all with them, but hey if you take the time to read what I have to say, then you must be really easily amused to begin with, so I figure what the hell, might as well give everyone something to read.

A new day
by Gem ;)

In the dawn of a brand new day
I know that I’m going to be okay.
As I think of today
And think of tomorrow
I find there is little sorrow.
With many experiences I have been blessed
I feel my heart is on a quest.
To be happy my heart must love.
To be with someone that is grateful of
All the things that make life great
I’m sure one day I will find my mate.
To honor and love me with a heart so true
This I feel I am only due.
A patient person I have learned to be
For I know one day God will send him to me.

Well I hope if nothing else it made you think
Dang I could do better than that..lol..
Naw, I do hope you all enjoy reading what I do write from time to time. Its always a pleasure to get to share them.
I think with this I shall call it good and pass along the thought of the day:

Wishing you a
bouquet of beautiful
memories to remember.
May God bless you all.

Gem ;)

What is "happy"

2007-02-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well its afternoon on wed. I got up around 2 yesterday and worked all night and I’ve not managed to make it to bed yet. Probably no the best thing in the world, but that’s how it has happened today anyway.
Our lives are filled with crossroads, but I’m thinking I have a couple more than most people do. I’m sure it is road construction that I have done myself, but none the less they are there. What in life do we live for? What do each of us need in our life to make it whole? What direction do you go? Which road is the best for you? What is “Happy”??
The dictionary explains happy as:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing:
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:

Synonyms 1. joyous, joyful, blithe, cheerful, merry, contented, gay, blissful, satisfied. 3. favorable, propitious; successful, prosperous.
Will I ever figure out which road leads there?

God bless?

Gem ;)

It is a harley davidson world

2007-02-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

Ok well it is Tuesday afternoon and I am a little slow at getting back to the blog. I had a very long day yesterday, but things went really well. I worked 7-4 and then went back at 9 and got off at 7 this morning. We are setting my dreaded modulars but got a lot accomplished last night. I came home and crashed this morning after I finally wound down and slept for a few hrs. I am still a little sleepy, but I know if I go back to sleep I will feel like crap. I hope to get everything done this week, would love to see “tumbling dice” again this weekend, but that is probably a bit to much to ask for, but hey you know me, if you don’t ask you don’t know huh..lol..
I had a wonderful weekend last weekend with him. He is officially the proud owner of a 2004 harley Davidson fatboy.

We went into the city on Saturday to get a helmet and a cover for it and it has a small dent in the back fender and he went ahead and ordered him a new fender. He absolutely cracks me up, he is worse than a little boy with a new toy, but I think its great. He has been needing this for a while now. You can just see the excitement In him about it. I worry so much about him riding, it has been years since he has been on a bike, but I know he will be careful and I pray that God watches over him and keeps him safe.

Sunday we got around and went and he bought all kinds of stuff to clean and polish it with. Got back to the house and I set around and watched him love on his new baby for a good 3 hrs probably..lol.. He got it all washed and dried and shined up and I was able to get a few pictures of it. I’m sure there will be more in the future. He is wanting to ride to brick town this summer in OKC to a blues fest they have every year. It is in June and I’m really looking forward to it. I know he got the bike to get out and relax and don’t want to wag me around all the time, its going to be hard, but I have to understand he needs his time and his space to enjoy it sometimes, but you can bet your sweet ass that if I have any say in the matter, I will have a nice little ass print on that back seat. I hope you enjoyed the pictures and plan on seeing more in the future. Aw and baseball season is almost underway, we have our first game next week so also expect to see a few baseball pictures also. With that in mind I will leave you with the thought of the day:

Angels give you those
Gentle pats on the back
You need to keep going.

May God bless you all and an angel keep you wrapped in her wings.

All my love goes out to my best friend!

Gem ;)

And its monday, are we excited yet!!!

2007-02-26T03:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday morning, hope everyone is excited about it as I am…just wanted to stop in and let all my 3 regular viewers know that I’ve not died. Maybe I will have a chance to write a little tonight. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

God bless

Gem ;)

The road to normal, is there such place?

2007-02-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well good evening one and all. I think I have finally over come my sickness and I got my son back home today so I am much more settled in than the last time I posted. My grandmas funeral will be tomorrow at 2 and then my best friend Debbie’s grandmothers services will be wed at 10 am. Seems like when something starts to fall apart the whole damn things crumbles. Hopefully soon we will all be back to normal again, I’m sure ready for it.
Well I don’t really have much to blog about tonight, nothing really exciting going on right now, maybe that will change one day. I have a really cool friend that I have the chance to talk to from time to time that insist that I am always hiding and that is why I can never find anyone for me. Well maybe one of these days I will come out from under my rock and stop hiding from the rest of the world, I guess anything is possible.
I’m going to send best wishes out to “tumbling dice” he has made the decision to open up a new chapter in his life which I am very glad he has done. I thought that I was going to get to share in it, but it has been made very clear that I am not welcome in that world. I hope all goes well for him and he finds what he seeks and enjoys his time.

“Thanks be unto God
for his unspeakable gift”
-2 Corinthians 9:15

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

May she rest in peace

2007-02-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

In this ever changing world of life as we know it, one has to wonder exactly how much pain a heart can with stand.
I have always been told that God would never put more on your shoulders than one can carry but I have days that I think he might have me mixed up with someone just a little stronger than me. I try to keep a positive outlook on life for the most part, and some days it works pretty good. My friends for example. I have the most wonderful friends a person could ask for. They would all do anything in there power to help me any time I ask or any time they thought I needed help. I know this is one of my many blessings from God.
This week has been one of those very trying weeks for me. Work is becoming very hectic for me in the eve of modulars and inventory. I have two weeks vacation that I have to burn before may 9th and I’m rapidly running out of time to get it in. Monday and Tuesday was pretty typical for me at work but when I came home Tuesday night I got thrown for a little of a loop. Me and my dear friend “tumbling dice” have not been doing the best in the world, which is basically typical. A person can only be pushed back so far before she falls off the edge. One more time I was grasping on with the tips of my figures and he comes along and I feel like I am needed, weather I was or not, I had that feeling. So I climbed back up to my feet and in his grip he holds me once more. I’m not sure how a person can have such power over another. If anyone had ever told me that I could be done like that I would have laughed in there face. I have always viewed myself as somewhat of a strong person and have been pretty good at holding my ground, but when it comes to a matter of the heart, well I guess I fail all the way around. If my heart ever becomes as strong as my mind then I will be able to conquer all. So with all that said, wed morning I loaded up and went to Ada instead of work…lol…ironic huh. One of those vacation days I needed to burn. We had planned on going to the city and looking at some bikes, he has decided it is time to buy a Harley. Well it started snowing on me a bit that morning on the way up and by the time I got to Ada, he was hearing reports that the city was starting to get a little slick in some spots so he decided not to go up. He has a friend there in town that has been wanting him to come look at his bike. So we get a hold of him and went out and take a look at it. It’s a really nice bike. A 2004 I believe with just a little over 7k miles on it. A beautiful black fat boy that has been totally chromed out. Seems like a hell of a deal. I think he has decided to get it, but wants to look at it one more time and make sure he didn’t over look anything. Well we had a good day, didn’t do anything to amount to anything, but the time spent was nice. I have a hell of a time with my sinuses and once again my head is stopping up so I have been taking some meds and wed evening I was having a lot of trouble staying awake for any length of time. Was a little scared to make the two hr trip back home that night but knew I had to be at work at 7am. Well I figured it would be easier for me to get up early and head out as it would be to fight falling asleep that night to get home, and well what can I say, I did want to sleep in his nice comfy bed..lol. But I wasn’t able to sleep for some reason, seems like I saw every hour on the hour and then some half hrs on the clock, not sure if it was the meds or me being scared I would oversleep. But anyway I made it up and back to Hugo by 7 am Thursday morning. Work really sucked Thursday, I felt like total crap. The work day finally came to an end and going home was all I could think about. Well I get to my turn and I glance down towards my grandparents house and I see an ambulance. My first thought was, well one of them has fallen or my uncle has hurt himself or something like that. I start to not even go down and think, well I better go see just incase its something major. Well I get there and the emt’s are coming out of the house with the stretcher and its empty so I think everything is ok…
Well I get in and see granddaddy and my uncle setting in the living room and my aunt is on the phone…then I see grandma in the floor and she is covered up, my aunt grabs hold of me and tells me that grandma has died….ok let me tell you this is not something that a person is ever ready for… I know it is part of life and it is going to happen to us all sooner or later, but we all prefer the latter as to the sooner. I was told that she had got a cup of coffee and was going out on the back porch to smoke. She has smoked forever but never wanted anyone to know about it. We all knew but it was never spoken of. But anyway aunt Barbara said that granddaddy thought she had passed out so he pulled her in the house and called her, well when she and the ambulance got there grandma had already passed. We live about 15 miles out of town so it took a few minutes for anyone to get here. This should not be a sad occasion for she is now in a better place. It is us being selfish as we mourn her passing. She was a wonderful lady and a very very intelligent person. I am very proud to know that she was my grandma. She endured pure hell at times but always stuck by her family. Mom was telling me that her and granddaddy got married when they was 15, she was just a few months older than him. This is what people in today’s world are lacking. The will to stand beside your mate through thick and thin and make it work. No one ever promised us that life would be easy, but when you love someone, you have to stand with them through the good and the bad.
I remember being a kid, I wanted to be one of those grandmas that was married for like 70 yrs. I think that is so awesome. Well here I am at a ripe age of 33 and well you know my situation. Being married is really the last thing on my mind right now, so me being married to the same man for 70 yrs is pretty much out the window for me…lol… maybe one day I will settle in somewhere and God willing have grandchildren of my own ( a long ways down the road) and I only pray that I am looked upon as I always looked upon my grandma….may you rest in peace, you will be missed greatly, and please give daddy a hug for me…

“I am with you always”
Matthew 28:20

And to my “tumbling dice”, a true love with no doubt, even when I try to tune it out.

To Care About Someone
© by AngelWinks

To care about someone
Is to feel them in your heart
To think about them endlessly
And pray you'll never part.

You care about their happiness
More than they could know
You wish them joy mixed in with love
And let your feelings show.

To care about someone
Is to give your heart away
To trust them with your innermost thoughts
And believe they're with you come what may.

When you dare to care that way
And give them your heart so true
You feel a special connection
And there's nothing you wouldn't do.

I honestly care about you
It's time that you should know
You mean the world and more to me
And these feelings continue to grow.

Please don't be afraid to care for me
My heart is reaching out to you
It's sweet and true and I pray you know
It's Always and Forever Meant Only For You!

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Never be

2007-02-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

So how exactly does a person come to grips with knowing what you have wanted for so very long will never be. Its always been said and spoken of, but I never really believed it I guess. I always thought that if I really put my heart into it and set my mind to it, it would eventually happen. I was willing to be patient if that’s what it was going to take, but alas it wasn’t enough. I am a very strong person, but not strong enough……. And life goes on……

Never be
By Gem ;)

One more tear falls to my breast
As I know in my heart I have done my best

The pain of reality cuts me so deep
As I feel the blood start to seep

onto my soul it burns like fire
Why do I have such a desire

To be enveloped by your arms
Knowing it brings my spirit such harm

To you I always wanted to belong
But now I realize all hope is gone.

I know your love for me is true
But your heart cant see it through.

You have given me joy greater than I’ve ever known
But in the same breath you have cut me to the bone
You will always be in my heart
A lost soul in the dark

A love that I will never forget
A love that I sometimes regret

Thank you for all you have given me
Even though our love will never be.

God bless

Gem ;(

Dinner and a movie

2007-02-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well the weekend is rapidly coming to an end. It has been a very quiet one. Not so bad just a little lonesome. My son took a trip to Durant Saturday and went to a christian concert. He had a really good time, is still talking about it today. Today he and I had a day out. We went to Paris to pick him up some new cleats. Yes folks it is once again time for spring baseball….YEE HAW!!!!!…lol..yes I am ready for a little baseball action. We took time out to have lunch and catch a movie. All in all it was a really good day for us.
Well don’t really have a lot to say, but that seems pretty typical here lately for me. I did write a little poem tonight that I would like to post. Its nothing to great but its mine.

One day
by Gem ;)

I’m tired of being sad
I want to be glad

Let all my days be filled with joyous cheer
For I don’t want to shed one more tear

God gave us only one life
We should not live it in strife

To be happy and have love in my heart
And not feel like my world has fallen apart
Is all I’ve wanted from the start

One day someone will love me
then my heart will be set free

To give all the love
That I know I’m capable of.

Thought of the day:

Love puts a twinkle
in your eye and a
smile in your heart.

God bless

Gem ;)

I'm the only one

2007-02-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Title: I'm the Only One

(M. Etheridge)

Please baby can't you see
My mind's a burnin' hell
I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin' like something
That might be good for you

chorus
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothing's wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see
I'm trying to explain
I've been here before and I'm locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won't make
it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

chorus

when will i learn

2007-02-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

Ok I did scream and it didn’t do a damn bit of good. I also discovered that missing and longing don’t accomplish any thing either.

Gem ;)

Question of the day

2007-02-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever want to just FUCKING scream!!!!!!

uuuuuggggghhhhh

2007-02-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well tonight is one of those nights I want to say so much but don’t honestly know where to start. I have a million and one thoughts going on in my head. Actually its probably not the best time to be talking actually considering the mood I am in….so I guess I will just settle in and maybe share a little poem and call it good…

Dark Clouds

Dark clouds rush over me.
A sea of endless Night.
A wall of dark clouds never ending, never beginning.
They envelop my mind and Soul.
They are thoughts deep within me.
I am searching for a man to take me out of my clouds.
A man to take my life and make it whole.
Help me ascend to the stars.
He will take my heart and soul and control me.
He will lead me out of the dark into a new light.
A light that is in a dark submissive world, that will shine bright.
My mind will soar with his control.
I will gain new wings to fly.
My body will learn to accept new ways of pleasure.
Who is this Man?
A Dom? A Master? A Soul mate.
He will Love, honor, and cherish me.
At the same time he will control me and teach me.
Will I ever know this man?
Yes, When my dark clouds turn to light.
And he finds in me my submissive heart.

Thought of the day:

Count your age
by friends-not years.
Count your life
by smiles-not tears.

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Just another peom

2007-02-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

A love lost
by Gem

As I set here and wonder where I go wrong
I can only think of your love and how it is gone.

For two years I prayed it would be true
To have someone like you love me too.

I always thought that love conquered all
But it has only lead me into a wall.

As I set and cry
I feel like life is passing me by

To you I gave my life
Now I feel my heart has been cut with a knife.

I’m not sure why you let this go on
For you saw the love as I looked upon

Your eyes so honest and true
Oh how I thought you loved me too.

You knew all along you would never love me
Yet you still held the key.

A key to the heart filled with love beyond compare
A soul so pure it was almost rare.

A truer love you will never find
How could you have been so blind.

I know one day I will find a love so true
I just hoped it would have been you.

Will it ever be better?

2007-02-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Failed Pray
by Memories ©

I have tears in my eyes but they do not fall,
bleeding and weak I cannot crawl.
I'm screaming inside can you hear my pain,
as the evidence washes away with every drop of rain.
I am seeping into hell, for there is no way out,
searching for one single breathe strong enough to shout.
Noone to rescue me, I'm trapped in fear.
the sound of ripping flesh is all that I hear.
The flesh is my own and the pain is intense,
I've been raped of my spirit , I have no defense.
Violation of my life, punished to burn,
with every slit I feel my stomach turn.
Bitter trauma, but I shall not cry,
For pleasure for me will be when I die

One small step up the mountain

2007-02-01T19:16:00.000-08:00

Good evening from greater southeast Oklahoma. Well here it is Thursday night, seems like the week has flown by. Work is going remarkably well, I’m getting lots of things done so that always gives me a sense of accomplishment. That is a feeling that I really need right now, this has been a really messed up week for me but I guess life goes on. All I can do is make the best of what has happened. I will always wonder what I do wrong. Everything happens for a reason, I just seem to have trouble seeing the reason sometimes.

Last Dance
by Aingael ©

my eyes swell from the tears they shed
my heart aches from the words we have said
forever i shall feel the love i have in my heart
but still, it’s almost too much,
the the thought of being apart.
my mind is tired my thoughts run wild
i feel so vulnerable, almost as a child.
i have no one to blame for life's outcome.
yet i just know what’s here inside is very dear.
my words won't come as id like for them to.
i can't clear my mind
of my thoughts of you
if the hands of time would only turn back
and, in my mind, i wish the unreal
my heart is breaking how do i stop the pain?
i know in my heart i must let you go,
yet my Best Friend i shall lose too.
i have many memories of the love we have shared
if only...
no, You knew i cared.
silence falls deep inside of me.
for id always thought it was meant to be.
all those precious memories i will keep wrapped up
with covers of love and stow away
hoping to share them with you again, someday.
time will lick and heal all these many wounds,
and God will see me through

So please forgive me
if i still have many thoughts of you.
the anger is hard to keep away
the love is greater, and soon wins out
for that is what these words are all about

and in this lifetime...well....maybe
if given a second chance, I’d save, just for you, one
last dance.

Thought of the day

It’s always important to remember
The wind from one door closing
Opens another one.

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Unwanted freedom

2007-01-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

The raft
By gem

A raft on the raging sea of life
tossed to and fro from the storms
always rebounding and topping the waves
plunging into the depths as it transforms,
as the sea reshapes a raft
time shall reform a heart
may it shine so bright
be so true
as life given anew.
pray that God may tether
in the midst of stormy weather
a heart so blue.

Well tonight brings one more of my many ups and downs that pass through my life as unwanted freedom has been handed to me. I guess this is not a true statement for I never belonged like I once thought I did. So set adrift, I float waiting for the next storm to pass through. But the raft is becoming weathered and ragged from the many storms and not sure how much more of the raging sea it can withstand. As my faith in being seems to lesson more and more with each passing day I do still pray that one day my captain will surface and guide me to calmer waters and mend some of the damage. Only so many things can be repaired as time takes its toll. Everything in life happens for a reason, somewhere in this all, I have saw a new light or I have learned one of life’s many lessons. No matter how futile your efforts seem and how much time appears to have been wasted, it all has a purpose. If you don’t reap what you sew in your life time, rest assure that any good deed done at least made the world a better place for one brief moment.

God bless

Gem ;)

a moment

2007-01-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

Well here we are, its Monday night and all is quiet. I guess that’s not a bad thing but as I often tend to do, this has been a night full of thought. The lovely part is, with thought comes question and anytime I start to question it never fails confusion will always manifest. I know that life can not be as complicated as what I seem to make it most of the time.
I know I have shared this poem before but I ran across it tonight and thought I would post it again….

A Moment
by Purity Corrupted ©

For a moment I was the blessed one.
I was the aim of his yearnings,
And I revealed as the focus of his attention.
I was the object of his desire.

For a moment I was the hunted.
The blood of his prey was on his lips,
And I lay wounded before him.
Vulnerable to the killing strike

For a moment I was his.
Wounded and waiting for my little death.
La Petite Mort.
He left. And I died.

Gem ;)

Always be grateful

2007-01-26T04:24:00.000-08:00

Well the week has been very uneventful as basically my life tends to be. This is not always a bad thing, its nice sometimes to just kind of coast along. I have been really neglecting my blog lately but when I’m happy and content then it seems like I have very little to say. I’m sure most of you view me as a very negative person but it just seems to be thats the only time I really want to write is when something is on my mind or bothering me.
This morning I would like everyone who reads this to take a moment out of there day and stop everything they are doing and give a moment of thought for all the cancer victims and there families who have won the fight against cancer as well as the ones who did not triumph over it. Services will be held today for a young lady in Ada that was not so lucky, or maybe she was. She had to be taken to the emergency room last week and her husband found out he would not bring her home alive. Please send a prayer out to this family and there loved ones in this difficult time and if you do nothing else today, let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. We never know when the lord will call upon us. I know I have wrote about this in the past and I’m sure sometimes it seems like I’m beating a dead horse, but this is very important to me. I have many loved ones whom I am sure I don’t tell often enough that I do love them. So take just a second and think about your family and loved ones and be grateful that they are there with you in times of need. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that in there life.
On a lighter note I would like to share a little joke. Everyone has probably already saw it, that seems to normally be the case when I want to show a joke to someone. Anyway if you have then here it is again, if not then may it tickle your funny bone..

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:"Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Well I am fortunate enough to get to spend some time with “tumbling dice” this weekend, so I’m looking forward to that as always. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe weekend. Remember to remember your loved ones and try not to take so much for granted.
May God bless you all

Thought of the day:

Cast the gift of a
Lovely thought into
The heart of a friend.

And as always I send my love out to my best friend and lover, “may your day be kind and true and remember that I will always love you.”

Gem ;)

For The

2007-01-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

So many things to say but the words just don’t seem to be there. The day has basically sucked. The boys made it to the finals in the tournament tonight and they ended up getting beat. I really felt sorry for them, they played really hard but the officials left something to be desired in the over time quarter. Oh well its only a game, maybe next time. Second place is nothing to hang your head about.
Well tonight it seems I have lost my very best friend. To The I beg forgiveness for a crime that I did not commit.

For The
by Gem

For The I would jump through hoops for the love I know is there
But tonight my heart breaks in tragic despere.

For The I have given my heart, body and soul
All I ever dreamed is for our spirits to live as a whole

For The I profess my never dieing love
To only be told His I am not worthy of

So I hang my head in total disgrace
For I know it is me He will soon replace

What can I say, what can I do
To show The my love is true

For The I would stop the hands of time
If I could be his partner in crime

But tonight my love has been forsaken
For my life feels as if it has been taken

My God bless you all

Gem ;(

As I continue on my way

2007-01-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

Well it seems that it is bed time, however I happened upon an essay by a lady that really caught my attention tonight. In most of my adult life I have struggled with many things, ranging from relationships to who I am.
Well at the ripe old age of 33 I seem to be coming to terms with many of my struggles in the past. most have been self inflected I have to admit, but many have been simply because there are so many things about myself that I don’t always understand. Anyone that knows anything about me or has ever spent anytime at all talking to me realizes that my ability to over analyze the most simple things are an uncanny trade mark of mine. Well this has been true the majority of my life for the simple fact I have this uncontrolled desire to understand. And on the same hand I have about as much desire for others to understand me. Through the wide world web, www as we all know it so well, I have had the opportunity to be exposed to many things. One of which is my best friend in the world, Tony aka “tumbling dice”. We have had our share of ups and downs and I’m sure will have as long as we know one another. We are both about as stubborn as a person can be but with that brings out the determination I have within me. I do view myself as a very strong willed dedicated woman. I have my values and I have my morals. I was raised in a very structured home and was taught to always act as a lady should. Well I have my moments like everyone does, I am only human but I do strive to be the best that I can be. Once upon a time I thought this was the competitive nature of me coming out, I have always been the one that wanted to be the best at anything I do. Well this I am learning is just part of being a strong willed person and part of who and what I am. As time goes by and as I read more and more I am learning that there are reasons for my thoughts, for my actions and feelings. I do feel like one reason I have failed in both of my relationships is because I was not in my place. I feel everyone has a role in life and when you step out of that, you are just making waves that don’t need to exist. Everyone has there own thoughts and opinions just as I do. One of the wonderful things about living in America is the ability to share these thoughts and views with anyone that wants to listen. With that thought in mind, please pray for our men and woman who risk there life every hour, every day of the year to keep our freedom going strong. If it wasn’t for men and women like this, we could be setting under a government where we had no rights or freedoms at all. I’m not going to go into any political views, just please stand strong and support the ones who support us. Ok now let me get back on track, another one of my lovely traits, I tend to get side tracked from time to time. Well I guess this post doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans tonight, just some thoughts that are on my mind. I would however like to share with you the essay that seemed to kick my mind into overdrive tonight. I’m not saying these views are right or wrong, I’m just saying that I have never related to anything so closely as I do to this particular topic. A lot of people don’t understand it and don’t have any desire to even attempt to. Those who read and can relate do understand where I come from when I say this is a wonderful writing. So often my biggest question is Why but I can read this and go, aw this does bring things into perspective. I hope anyone that reads this will with an open mind and understand what it truly means.

Inspiring the Submissive Response
By Dani Benjamin

It has been said that the submissive yearns to please, but for me it is not that simple.
Being submissive is about a need for control and structure. It's about surrendering to a will that is stronger than my own. Let's face it, if all it took were a drive to be pleasing, every person on the planet would fall under that label. The desire to please the one you love is as natural as breathing.
I am a very strong woman. The man who has what it takes to inspire my submission is rare. And it is inspired. Submission cannot be demanded or forced. Any man bigger than you can push you to your knees and command you to serve. That doesn't make him a Dominant, it only makes him a bully.
But every once in a while, I meet a man who is so "comfortable in his own skin," so confident and sure of his own power, that just meeting his eyes can rock me to my core. His strength, and the responsible way he wields that power inspires my submission. Any physically strong man can force a woman to serve, a Dominant has what it takes to inspire in her the desire, the need to serve him.
What is it that draws me to such men? Well, one part of it is trust. He inspires faith in me that he will protect me from the world and myself. Within the circle of his strength, I am safe to allow my own self-protective walls to drop and celebrate the soft, vulnerable female that I am. I am also safe to release the primal sexual beast that exists within me, knowing that he is knowledgeable and responsible enough to keep me from damaging myself when my own control is surrendered. He can take me to the heights of sensation and push me over the edge because I trust him to be there to catch me every time.
The other part of it is that this type of man pushes me to be my personal best. He will not accept laziness or complacency. While he knows and accepts that I am not perfect, he does expect me to give 100% to everything I do. Whether I am accepting pain, controlling orgasm or writing a report for work, nothing less than my best effort is acceptable to him. He pushes me and I push myself to be a better person for him.
The relationship between a Dominant and a submissive is much like that of an athlete and an exceptional coach. I trust that he knows better than I what I am capable of. Then, when he pushes me beyond what I believe my limits are, and I reach that goal... the rush is indescribable. I am filled with a surge of power. This is the "Power Exchange." It is not one-sided. We surrender power and receive it in a constant flow between Dominant and submissive.
I have known what it is to be a submissive woman all of my adult life. In that time, I have been blessed to know and enjoy close relationships with several such remarkable men. Given too much autonomy, I feel myself rapidly spinning out of control. Without that firm hand on my reigns, I begin to feel adrift and lost. It only takes a few moments in the presence of one such Dominant to bring me back to earth where I am centered and grounded. Anchored by his control, I am free to spread my wings and fly.
The stronger the woman, the more deeply submissive the woman, the stronger the man must be to inspire it. It takes two to tango and in my opinion, submission is a reaction to the expression of power by a stronger will. That submission isn't available to every Tom, Dick and Harry that struts into view. Most men I wouldn't darn a sock for. But those rare few who are stronger than myself, who express that strength and power in a deliberate and responsible way... well there's not much I wouldn't do for those men.
That's the reason I have stressed "responsible use of power" here. When in the presence of such men, I am vulnerable and often helpless to say "No." That can put a woman in extreme danger if the Dominant is not mature enough to handle the power he commands.
What do I look for in a Dominant?
Maturity: He needs to be mature enough to be in control of himself and his own life.
Accountability: He needs to be aware of the power that he holds and accept the responsibility that comes with exercising that power.
Experience: He needs to be knowledgeable enough to use that power without doing damage.
Responsibility: He needs to be willing to take responsibility for another person.
Self-Assurance: He needs to be confident and careful in his decisions, knowing they impact not only him but also another.
Humility: He needs to be big enough and honest enough to admit when he is wrong.
I don't expect a Dominant to be perfect. I do expect him to strive to be the best he can be. In this lifestyle we continually walk the line between control and abuse. It is a delicate and precarious balance. I trust him to "spot" me as I maintain that balance and to be there, should I fall.
No, these men I speak of are not perfect. I have seen them express their questions, concerns and even their vulnerabilities to me. They are men, with all the faults and foibles that humanity bestows on us.
But they are far from ordinary.

With these thoughts in mind I will bring my night to an end

Thought of the day:

Little deeds of kindness.
Little words of love.
Help to make earth happy
Like the heaven above

May God bless you all

And to You, may You be my shepherd and watch over me, keep me in tune like the fine instrument I am. Rare in form but true in spirit knowing that my place is where you keep me warm. Loves…..

Gem ;)

Thank You

2007-01-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

Thank You
by Gem

To The I convey my love
Of days past and days to come
To my world you bring such delight
You ignite my spirit with all your incite
My heart has never known anyone so benevolent
My body has never felt so gratified
Wrapped in your gracious embrace
Looking upon your intent face
Knowing this is my true place
In your mastery is where I find serenity
You have shown me my true identity
Thank you for your patience
In granting me the chance to grow
Into the woman you know is within.

One more day, one more post

2007-01-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

Finally the week is winding down. Sometimes it seems we just wish our life away waiting for the weekend of some special event. It seems like the week has gone by so slowly, but I have to admit it has been a productive week. Work has been good for the most part and me and my friend Debbie have put a few miles under out belt this week. I’m doing a lot better with getting back on track with my eating but it is still a super struggle for me daily. I have come to far to slide back into old habits and gain my weight back.
Well Debbie took her mom back to the doctor today to get the results of the biopsy back. The mass removed from her mom was malignant. Debbie is not dealing with it well at all so I ask you to please keep them in your prayers.
Well I have set here all night trying to write and its not flowing at all tonight…I’m going through with drawl missing “tumbling dice” I notice I tend to do this about this time every week. Well guess I will see if I cant come up with the thought of the day and call it a night

Dream about tomorrow-
But live for today!

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Love you and miss you much Sir

Gem ;)

Road trips and guns

2007-01-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

Well I’m setting here eating my dinner, drinking my coffee (I think I’m turning into an old person..lol) waiting on my favorite man to show his face. I thought I would stop in and say hi to all my like two viewers. I’m actually not really sure why anyone comes back and reads my post anyway, I know they are pretty lame most of the time but none the less, I’m glad someone is interested in what I have to say. We have a ballgame tonight at 8:30, seems kind of late but a tournament is starting and we are in the number one seat so it don’t look like we will have to play a lot as long as we win. Will up date everyone on how they do. Our record stands at 14-1 right now so we will see how tonight affects that.
Just a little report on my weekend. It was very busy, felt like I was on the road more than anything else but it was awesome. Friday me and Blake left from work and went on to Durant to see my mom and spend the night. We got up Saturday morning and went down to bowie texas to a flea market, my mom raises dogs and is thinking about going down there to see how puppies sale. Then we came back through Sherman and of course had to stop at academy sports. I was kind of chomping at the bits, wanting to get back to Durant before it got to late. Had in my head that I might get to go see Mr. “tumbling dice” himself, but needless to say that pretty much feel through. When we finally did get back to Durant I had the pleasure of talking with him. I cant complain, at least I was able to do that. We had a really nice talk and made plans to go to the gun show in OKC on Sunday. We discussed a few other things that was very interesting, always love talks like that. Well I got up bright and early Sunday morning and headed into Ada. Soon as I got there we left out for the city. The gun show was pretty cool. It was a big show and lots of folks was there, but things seems just a little to high. But it just amazes me looking at all the guns and knifes even though I didn’t find anything to buy. After the gun show we went to the range and shot a few rounds. I was totally humiliated after the first couple of clips I went though. I couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if my life was depending on it. I was like wtf am I doing wrong. Well he got to watching me and moved my hands around a little bit and then things looked up a little. But I was sucking hind tit something bad for a long time, it was awful. He got it corrected and I didn’t feel like such an idiot at least. Well spent the day with Tony, as always it was wonderful, but had to end to soon. I had to get around and go back to Durant and gather my things and my boy up and then head back home. We finally drug in at about 1030 last night, I was so ready to crash in my own bed. Well like I said, the weekend was great just way to short.
Guess I had better get around and get towards the school. Hope the game goes by fast tonight, not really up for basketball, but its life.

Thought of the day:

We are, each of us,
Angels with one wing.
And we can fly only
by embracing each other.

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Love you Sir ^:)^

Gem ;)

Prayers and Memories

2007-01-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

Well one more hump day has came and went without a hitch. The day cruised by rather well. Cant complain about anything I suppose. I’m not really in a writing mood tonight but wanted to stop in and tell everyone hi. I want to express my joy about “tumbling dice”, he is making a conscious effort to become a little more healthy. I’m very proud of him for deciding to do so, I don’t really want to plant him any sooner than what God intends, so I hope he keeps up the good work. And I would like for all of you to keep my friend Debbie and her family in your prayers. Her mom is in OKC as I write this waiting to have surgery. They think she might have lunge cancer and they have found a mass on her aorta and they are planning on doing a biopsy on it tonight. Debbie is not dealing with this well at all, I wish I could be there for her, but right now all I can do is keep them in my prayers. My dad passed away from cancer going on 9 years now. It is very hard to believe its been that long. Some days it seems like yesterday and others it seems like its been a life time since I saw him. I know it is a part of the life cycle, but that is not always so comforting. Even now I set and cry when I think about him, I was always daddy’s little girl, or the boy he never had..lol just depends on how you look at it I guess. It was a very difficult time in my life when he passed. I guess the hardest thing I had ever been through, so all my love goes out to Debbie, she needs every bit I can give plus.

I would like to share a picture of me, my dad and my sister taken back many many moons ago. One of the only pictures that was ever taken of us together. May he rest in peace, I love you daddy and miss you every day.

“The Lord will bless his people with peace”
-Psalm 29:11

Thought of the day

Wherever you go
Whatever you do…
May the Angels
watch over You.

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Love you Sir

Gem ;)

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

Well I want to start off with telling everyone Happy New Year, I’m sure I wont be around to bring it in being I have to work in the morning, oh well so goes life. If I would have had it my way, I would have spent it with “tumbling dice” himself and Ms. Nicole. But that’s not the way it happened to work out. I was able to spend some time with them this weekend however, it was really great as always. I do want to thank you guys for the gift, it was greatly appreciated.
I would also like to send thanks out to BKS for the comment on my last posting. Its really nice to have feed back from time to time. I only have a couple of regular visitors and they are not what a person would call vocal..lol.. I also want to thank you for giving me a few guide lines and some helpful tips on writing, I’m still not much count, but love it as much as i always have. It is a wonderful way for me to express my feelings. Believe it or not, I am not the most talkative person and don’t really have a lot of outlets to express what is always on my mind and this is truly a great way of doing it.
Well I guess I will draw this to a close. I hope everyone has very safe and happy New Year.

Thought of the day :

May you have all the Happiness
And Luck that life can hold-
And at the end of your Rainbows
May you find a Pot of Gold.

May God bless you all

Love ya Sir

Gem ;)

Lost soul

2006-12-27T21:42:00.000-08:00

One day God will look upon me and lend a helping hand. Until then I shall wonder through life like a lost soul looking for a way back in

Alone
by Gem

In the quite of the night she sets alone
Not sure where her life has gone
So many years she wasted on a love that was wrong
Now she waits for a man that is cold as stone.
This is a love unlike none she has ever known
Sometimes his wisdom chills her to the bone
His true feelings for her is still unknown
Why is it so hard to move on.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

Well it is officially Christmas eve now, and why my ass is not in bed is a mystery to us all I guess. This has not been the best of Saturdays for me, but hey the last 5 or so have really sucked also, so should be getting use to it by now. I learned something new last night, it seems that being open is grounds for being told I f*** up. I personally have always thought of that as being a positive thing, but guess that’s what I get for thinking. But non the less, that is how I am and that is how I will always be. If its on my mind it will come past my lips. Ok enough with the whining about that, it is said and done and nothing will change it now or how I have been viewed for saying it.

I do want to share a little picture with you all. This was taken at our Christmas party at work last week. This is the gang so to speak. If you have been reading my blog posting, you will recognize the faces. The girl in the back with dark hair is the wife of one of our friends, her name is Sandra. The rest is Vickie and Terrie setting on Santas lap and then Debbie standing with her big head in front of me..lol.. We had a wonderful time and I was lucky enough to be drawn for a door prize and it happened to be $50.00 in cash, not to shabby if I do say so myself.
Well I finally got all my gifts wrapped tonight and ready to go. I guess me and my son will go to Durant tomorrow night when I get off work and spend Christmas with my mom and sister and my nephew. Maybe we can be in the same house for a few hours without getting in some sort of fight. It seems the older I get the more trouble I have getting along with my mom. I think one problem is as I get older I don’t hold back my tongue like I once did
I want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas. If I get some pictures taken I will be sure and share one or two with you all.
Well guess I better call it a night. Morning will come way to soon.

Thought of the day

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot
change, courage to change the
things I can, and the wisdom to
know the difference.
-reinbold niebubr

May God bless you all and keep you safe during this joyous holiday season.
Please don’t forget the true meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it.

Hold your family and loved ones near and never take them for granted, for this moment maybe our last to hold them. Always let your loved ones know you love them.

Gem ;)

Tears in heaven

2006-12-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

Artist: Eric Clapton
Album: Clapton Chronicles: The Best of Eric Clapton 1981-1999
Title: Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong
And carry on
'Cos I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way through night and day
I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down

Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure
And I know
There'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong and carry on
'Cos I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

untitled poem

2006-12-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

by Gem ;)

Before him she stands with tears in her eyes
Unsure why she puts herself through the pain
A heart so full of love it could fill all the skies
A spirit so weak she is going insane

Will the madness ever end
And allow her life to be whole
Her feelings he don’t seem to comprehend
As she loves him with all her soul

His mind is filled with doubt
As he protects his heart from being broken
He thinks all she does it pout
He hears all the words that have been spoken
Yet her love holds no clout.

Good morning

2006-12-21T04:15:00.000-08:00

Well nothing to really say this morning. Christmas is almost here, is everyone ready? Everything at work is going very smooth considering, its very busy but flowing well. I just wanted to stop in this morning and say hi. I have a little poem I wanted to post. Its not one I wrote but I still think its a nice piece of work and wanted to share it with all of my two regular readers...lol..
I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

May God bless you all and keep you safe.

My Heart

My heart takes flight
When I gaze into your eyes
My soul soars higher and higher
In amazed delight
All that I am, is all there for you
You take me higher
Then I ever knew
I could go
Dreaming of placing my soul in your hands
Remembering in wonder
How I strove to meet your commands
Wanting to please you again and again
Waiting in bliss to hear your demands
Never release me
My Master, my Love
You so complete me and make me feel loved
Two halves that were searching
Have now become one
A melding so complete..
It shall never be undone
I promise to give you my heart, mind, body and soul
Together we two will always be whole.

I miss you Sir, hope to see you soon ^:)^

Gem ;)

Seduce my mind and you can have my body, Find my soul and Im yours forever.

2006-12-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

Well its Sunday night and I should have already been in bed. The weekend has came and went but I have to admit it was a rather productive one. What sucks is I didn’t want it to be a productive weekend, I wanted to be a lazy bum. The holidays are about to kick my ass at work, I am so very ready for Christmas to be over. I went to Durant to my moms this weekend and me and my sister ended up laying ceramic tile for her. Fun fun joy joy, for sure not a profession I will ever be guilty of having. But we got it done and I guess my sister is going to do the grout for her sometime this week. Well me and mom and my boy ended up going shopping today in Sherman. It just reminded me how much I really do not like people. I did get most of my Christmas shopping done however. I have known for a while what I was going to get, just had not broken down and done it yet. Well I had already spent a number of hrs with my mother and I know from experience this is never a good idea. A visit is fine, extended stay is not a good plan. Well needless to say we ended up getting into a fight and I was ready to get home by mid day today. What drives me totally nuts is the fact that I will probably talk to her tomorrow or the next day and it will be like nothing ever happened. Have yet to figure out how folks can do that. I can get beyond things but very seldom get totally over it, at least not over night. But none the less, she is my mom and I do love her, just don’t like her ways sometimes. But its all said and done with and life goes on.
I was fortunate enough to speak with “tumbling dice” a bit on Saturday, far from what we normally talk. I got around Saturday morning and was in the shower getting ready to go to moms and my freaking water just stopped. Well I am in the country and guess what, I have a well. So here I am with conditioner still in my hair, what a lovely sight that is, with no water. So I get out and get some clothes on and go gallivantin down to the well, thought maybe I might see something that don’t look exactly right. Well I did happen to find some ants inside the pressure switch cover. So I go to the electric pole and flip the breaker and go back to the well and knock the ants from around the electrical hook up. And by the way if anyone can tell me why ants and lady bugs will go to electricity please feel free to enlighten me. So I go back and turn the breaker back on and make it back down to the well. Needless to say it’s a pretty good ways between the two. I get there and the pump is not running or making any sound, so I figure its more than something I can do so I get a hold of my uncle (dads side of the family, I get a long with them much better). A pain in my ass, but have to admit he really takes care of me, I love him to death no matter how much he irritates me. Well I’m sure by now you people think that I cant get a long with anyone. That does hold a little truth, but not totally..lol.. Well he brings his little meter to see if electric is getting to the well and sure enough it is. Then he pushes down on the pressure switch and the pump kicks on. He is like girl you have water. So I go and check and well he’s right, water I do have. Felt like a total idiot for not checking it like that to begin with. I guess what happened, the ants had it shorted out and when I knocked them off it kicked in and cycled before I made it back to the well. So all was well with the water.
Well I ended up making it home fairly early today, after my fight with mom of course, and was able to talk with “tumbling dice” a little more extensive tonight. We did have some very good conversation and have to admit it was a little eye opening. He had told me earlier in the evening that “your going to open your eyes”. well a few things was discussed that have been needing to be now for a long time. Topics that I tend to side step because I don’t want to deal with the reality of how he feels about them. He has never hid his feelings about anything and this is a trait that I truly admire. I do wish he was more accepting of some things that are in my life, but he has never pretended to be and I’m sure never will be. All I ask is for him to understand its going to always be there to an extent and there will come a time and place it will have to be dealt with to a certain degree. Its really not a bad thing at all, but I do understand his reasons. Anyway I do love you regardless and just pray you can be open to “all” of me one day.
I have a little writing that I read from time to time that may seem odd to many folks. I generally tend to be a little reluctant to share it with anyone, for most people just don’t understand it at all. A couple of years back I have to admit I would have called anyone crazy that showed me this. But my eyes have been opened to many things in the past couple of years and I do have a greater understanding of who I am. Well anyway I think I will share this with you guys. Everyone is entitled to there own opinions of the topic, just beware of judging something if you don’t have any knowledge of it.

I Am a Submissive Woman

I am a submissive woman. I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength. I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am i more complete than when He is with me. I know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with His strength and wisdom. He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him. His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me. Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy. His punishments are harsh, but i accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind. If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness. However, the pleasures of the flesh are but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship. My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am. No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that i hold my head high....for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me??? If He says i am His princess, then i am that...regal and graceful, and if i see laughter at me in the eyes of others, i do not regcognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong??? If He says i am His toy, His tramp, His slut, then i am that....as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master. My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly His. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself....and i do not want walls. His lessons are not always the ones i would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided i need, and so i learn from Him. My souls is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when i kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence, be He miles away or standing over me. If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel when His belt caresses me with fire. I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that W/we do together. His part is much harder than mine, and i know this and am grateful that He cares enough about me to spend His time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously. I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My submission is a gift that i do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to He who has the strength will i give myself fully, because i am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.

Respectfully taken from _nicole's page.

Well take it for what its worth. You don’t have to agree or disagree with it, just a little something I wanted to share tonight.

Aw and how can I forget the thought of the day

A friend is someone who
reaches for your hand….
and touches your heart

God has a way of making everything right in due time. I was told by a wonderful friend one time
God has a plan and he don’t need our help.

“This is my comfort in my distress, that your promise gives me life”
-Psalm 119:50

My God bless you all and keep you safe

With all my love to you Sir,

Gem ;)

10-1 and some unconditional love

2006-12-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

Well I had planned on giving a nice big report of all that’s been going on the past few days, with ballgames and such. I have been a little under the weather and still don’t feel real good, so I’m just going to hit the high spots. We had a ballgame on Monday night and we won. Another one on Tuesday night and it was a really good game. Went into overtime and we came out on top by 4. That puts our record at 10-1 for the season. One thing I do want to speak of is a letter that I was so very honored to get to read. It was written to “tumbling dice” from his 17 yr old daughter. It was so very sweet and I know it had to mean so much to him. I would love to share it with everyone but will not do it without his permission. I hope he holds it near and dear to his heart. Sometimes I think he questions the meaning of life, but last night it was very apparent what one of his purposes in life is. He is a very good man in his own way. Far from being typical of other people, but that is one of the things that makes him a great person. He is loved by many people, I hope he keeps sight of it. I told him tonight that it was one of my many “jobs” to keep him reminded..
Well anyway I am going to call it a night. Had a little trouble waking up this morning. Will be glad when I get back to 100%.

Thought of the day:

I will not just live my life.
I will not just spend my life.
I will invest my life

-Helen Keller

God bless you all

Gem ;)

I'm with you

2006-12-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

Well I don’t really feel like doing much blogging right now but I want to post another song I fond of. Maybe I will come back later and talk a little.

Artist: Avril Lavigne
Album: Let Go
Title: I'm With You

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't someone please take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
searching for a face
is there anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythings a mess
and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't someone please take me home
It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

oh why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

Gem ;)

An awesome game and foolish games

2006-12-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well the ballgame ended up being awesome. The final score was 33-30 in favor of us. We was the first team to defeat this school and our boys have only been beaten once and that was in the 8th quarter, yes went into 4 overtimes and only lost by 3 pts. I’ve said it once and sure ill say it again, we have some kick ass boys that play ball. Well still nothing much to report I guess, tomorrow is Friday J but then it’s the weekend L not always such a joyous part of the week . Me and my mom have not been on good speaking terms all week and it don’t seem to be getting a lot better, and me and “tumbling dice” haven’t been clicking along real well the past several days, talk was better tonight but not to sure how I feel about it. I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions with this fuss that I’m not sure I have had in the past. Today was especially odd, had been feeling pretty numb for the most part but some really major events took place at the school his daughter attends and it was like scalding water thrown in my face, reality of the fact that I still have so many feelings in their direction, concerns that I guess are pretty much not warranted from me, but its like I cant help it. They really do mean so much to me, the feelings are just not mutual and that makes life difficult at times. There has been a point in time that I really thought there might be a chance of being more than friends, but every time I have that notion, he inadvertently changes my mind. I’m very thankful for his friendship, don’t get me wrong, I just have a lot of feelings for them that are much deeper than just friendship and in a way I am torturing myself emotionally with the situation. But anyway its not a topic that I can dwell on, I’ve done that way to much as it is and its only brought a few grey hairs and many tears and not accomplished a thing by it, so anyway one more day comes and passes pretty much like the last 3 yrs have. He brought up the fact that for the most part my life is in some sort of turmoil most of the time, whether it be from the direction of my mom, work or him and sometimes all of the above….I guess I cope ok with it most of the time, I’ve not lost my mind yet anyway and actually have some pretty rational thoughts from time to time, so guess it could be worse.
Well guess I should wind this down. I would like to share a set of song lyrics with you guys tonight. Its not a new song, but one that I have downloaded onto my mp3 player. it’s a very awesome song that feels familiar at times

Artist: Jewel
Album: Pieces Of You
Title: Foolish Games

You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you

You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that

Thought of the day

You give me wings
Of gladness and
Lend me spirit song.

-Sydney Russell

God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

Ho Hum

2006-12-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Good evening, well I have been slacking just a bit on my blog here lately. We have a ballgame again tonight but thought I would drop in and write a line or two. don’t really have a lot to write about, nothing good is going on in my life right now. Maybe something will trigger some brain waves and I will have something at least half ass interesting to talk about…
Till then

Gem ;)

Today I died to be reborn tomorrow!

2006-12-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Well the weekend has come and gone one more week. It was very quiet, my boy was with his dad all weekend and mom stayed home. We are getting closer and closer to the Christmas holiday and I cant wait for it to just be over. Its really sad how society has made such a joyous occasion a money making business.

Well not in the best of spirits tonight so think I will call it good.

Thought of the day:
Many joys may come
And go…but
Friendship last forever!

God bless

Gem ;)

Just a poem for the day

2006-12-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

Where do I go from here
By Gem

Last night because of you I cried
Last night because of you part of me died

With a death always comes a life
But into my world it brings such strife

You are the man of my dreams
You are the man for whom my heart sings

To you I would give the world and more
But for you to cope with me seems such a chore

I try my best to be mature
I guess my faults are more than you can endure

I can not continue to beg for your affection
When all I seem to get in return is rejection

I have gave to you my heart, body and soul
But my spirit has taken such a toll
I wonder if my life will ever be whole

In the cold of the night

2006-11-29T19:54:00.000-08:00

Well Wednesday has finally came and is about gone. Has been another very busy day for me at work, but I guess that is not always so bad. Oh and I was very excited this morning when I weighed, I don’t guess I actually gained the three pounds that I thought I had. I had a friend tell me yesterday that the weight was probably just where I had retained water from my surgery and I guess maybe she was right, this morning I was back to where my lowest has been so I wasn’t freaking out like I did Monday…lol.. Today me and my friend went walking, we only made it two miles then she kind of pussed out on me, but that’s better than nothing I guess.
Last night me and my friends got together and went to eat. We had a really good time, its not often we get together outside of work, so it was a treat for us all.
Well I had looked forward to tonight all day. I’ve not had much of a chance to talk with “tumbling dice” this week so I thought we was going to get to catch up some. Guess that is what I get for thinking. Tonight we was so far apart it puts a chill in bones. These are the moments when its reality that I’m alone.

Cold chill
By Gem

Out in the cold is where I feel
As your words sweep across me with a chill

Where did I go wrong
Why cant I be strong
Tonight I feel like I don’t belong

Can you hear my plea
In your arms I long to be
But it seems you do not agree

My heart holds you near
As my soul sheds a tear
This love will persevere

But tonight I’m left in the cold
Feeling everything but bold.

Thought of the day:

It’s always important to remember
The wind from one door closing
Opens another one

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Hi ho hi ho, its off to work I go!!!!

2006-11-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

Good morning everyone, I hope your holiday went well, mine went a little to well…..I weighed this morning and ended up gaining 3 lbs over the last two weeks, not good tracking at all. It has been a week since my surgery and I’m back to work this morning. It will be good to get back into my routine and back eating right. Me and my friend Debbie are going to start walking again today, we have been slacking on that for about the last month. I have gained to much ground on my weight loss to fiddle around and gain some back so got to get my head back into it and get the last 45lbs off so I can be at my goal. Look out folks, this summer you wont recognize me..lol.. I am kind of excited about going back to work today, the week off was good I guess but I always feel guilty when I take off work. I know that the job don’t stop cause I’m not there and someone else has to take up my slack.
I feel really good today, I had a really great weekend considering I didn’t get to go see my “tumbling dice”. me and my son went down to beavers ben, anyone that knows this area can appreciate the beauty that is in this part of the world. The weather was wonderful and we just piddle farted around and enjoyed the day. Sunday he got up early and went hunting with my uncle but was unable to find anything to shoot, bless his poor little heart..lol… but when he came in I made him go wash all the lovely deer piss and all his other cover scents off so that I could stand for him to be in the house. We loaded up and went down to the lake so he could shoot his bow at the archery range, and momma had to get in on the action just a little also. Unfortunately he managed to show his ol mom up…lol…I really suck shooting a bow. This is something that I’m going to have to practice just a little on, cant have him out doing me on something like that. Well yesterday while he was in the great wilderness hunting the elusive white tail I stayed home and was lucky enough to partake in some wonderful conversation with my best friend in the whole world. My mind he has been able to touch since the first time we talked, some days I’m just not really sure what I would do without him around. Thank you for always being there for me no matter what ups and downs seem to come through our life, you mean so very much to me, I just hope I mean half as much to you.
Well guess I should get around and get my day on a roll.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day
God bless you all and keep you safe.

Thought of the day:

As we practice
The work of forgiveness
We discover more and more
That forgiveness and healing
Are one.
-Agnes Sanford

I love you Sir

Gem ;)

Little picture and a cross word

2006-11-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving. Mine went pretty well. My uncle came by on his bike and told me to get dressed that I was going with him. Well I wasn’t going to turn down a ride on his bike and knew he wasn’t going to be gone to long so I figured what the hell. We made it into town and his clutch cable broke. So we happened to be on a little hill and he managed to get the bike started again and he was like, ok girl there is no stopping now..lol.. Well we made it to the church where everyone had gathered for dinner. This is my dads side of the family but it seemed like I didn’t know anyone there. Lots of new additions in the family that I had never met, needless to say I’m not close to that side of the family anymore. Well I was as guilty as the next for eating way to much for dinner, but it was sure good.

Today has been a lazy day for me, but most of the week has been as far as that goes. I did manage to build another fire on my stump I’m trying to burn out and cleaned the porch and got it swept off, so the day wasn’t totally unproductive. I was in a very “good” mood and got to talk with “tumbling dice” earlier today. But with my good moods also come a bit of well how do I put it, I can get aggravated quite easily as well. He says I pout and maybe I do, just part of me and my personality I guess. I tried to explain to him that if he would just give me what I want then I wouldn’t pout, seems pretty simple to me..lol.. He didn’t buy into it though.
None the less, I still love him dearly and hope he don’t get to irritated with me. Some days I could beat him, but know that tomorrow I will want to kiss it and make it better.

I was going through my email tonight and ran across some really interesting things. I’m going to share a picture that I got and thought it was so adorable and wanted to show you guys. This is actually a picture that caused a few cross words tonight..lol.. Well I hope everyone enjoys my little picture, I guess I will wrap it up for the evening.

Thought of the day:

May your day be
Bright….and all that
Is good shine upon you.

May God bless you all

Love ya Sir!

Gem ;)

Deer and turkey day

2006-11-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well its wed morning and I’m setting here totally bored out of my mind. Yesterday
morning when I got up, I was expecting to maybe be hurting just a little after my surgery, but to my welcome surprise I was still in no pain. So I got up and around and ended up running around town most of the day. Had to hit all the pawn shops of course but didn’t come across anything that I just couldn’t live without. I made my way back to my moms house later that evening and decided that it was about time for me to go home. I love my mom to death but I can only stay over there for so long. I had been there since Sunday afternoon and I knew it was time for me to move along. Finally made it home about 7:30 last night I guess and my ass was sure dragging, I might have over done it just a tad, but I was so glad to be home. Today has been very quiet around here. My boy is off somewhere with my uncle hunting so momma is home alone. Not always a bad thing, but just kind of lonesome today. So thought I would come on and write a line or two for my two regular visitors..lol.. That never seem to leave any comments so I don’t have a clue who it is that has any interest at all in what I have to say. I just cant imagine anyone wanting to come read what comes from my feeble brain at times, but anyway glad someone is intrigued by my post.

I thought I would post a picture of my son and his doe he got Saturday morning. It was so funny, I have to tell my little story right fast. I was on my way to see “tumbling dice” Saturday morning and my boy calls and is ecstatic. He is like, mom guess what, I killed a doe and a buck. Of course he has been known to pull my leg a time or two in the past and knew how far out of pocket I was so figured that’s what was going on here. So mom didn’t believe him at first and he finally convinced me that he really did. He told me that he shot the doe first and then this buck came up on her. Said he was a 12 pt, which this part of the story I have no backing. He don’t make a habit of lying so hard to not believe him. Well he shot at the buck but must have just grazed his belly. He and his daddy could only find a bunch of white hair, no blood, so it appeared he shot under him just a little low. None the less he did get his doe, she dressed at 89 lbs so not a bad deal at all, anyway just like last year mom is very proud of her little man so I had to post his picture. it’s a shame he is looking so excited in it..lol…but that is just how he is, he don’t get real excited about anything. He is a very laid back kid. Can be full of shit from time to time and has a bit of a sarcastic bone in his body, but I have to admit he does come by it honestly. Well I’m going to wrap this up for now. I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful thanksgiving. Always appreciate your loved ones and don’t take for granted that they are with you during the holiday season. My family has not really celebrated the holidays since the loss of my dad 8 yrs ago. Its not that big of a deal I don’t guess, but it does bring on some lonesome feelings when you see other families getting together and visiting. My son will have a good thanksgiving so that’s all that matters. His dads side of the family is all very close and he will spend the day with them so its all good. Well God bless you all and eat a piece of pie for me tomorrow.

I send all my love out to “tumbling dice” it may not be necessary but it is desired; never forget that, I do love you.

Evolve [i-volv]
1. to develop gradually
3. to come forth gradually into being; develop; undergo evolution
4. Biology. to develop by a process of evolution to a different adaptive state or condition:
Be patient

Thought of the day:

Even though we’re far apart….
You’re always in my heart.

Gem ;)

Surgery and a Poem

2006-11-20T13:04:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, I was at the hospital at 6:30 this morning and they got to me pretty quickly. I was on the bed naked by 7 lol and just to think at how hard some folks have worked to try and accomplish that lol… anyway they got my IV started and the next thing I knew I was waking up and it was all over. They let me come on around and I got dressed and was back to the house between 9:30 and 10 this morning. Everything is going just great, I’m a little tender but far from being in pain, not to say it wont slap me in the face at midnight tonight, but I really don’t think it will. So I’m here at moms bored out of my mind and thought I would check my email. Well a good friend sent me a poem that really touched my soul when I read it. I generally never send out a fwd from anyone but I have to admit I did send this one to everyone in my address book and I also wanted to go ahead and post it in my blog. So anyway I do hope you take the time to read it (it is a little lengthy) and take a moment out of your busy day to say a little prayer for the young men and women that fight for yours and my freedom each and every minute of the day. We can tuck our children in bed at night and watch our loved ones rest in peace because of our American service men and women. Please give them the honor they deserve and pray they may come home to their families safe and sound when the time comes, it is the least we can do for what they do for us.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
Sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts...
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "It's really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christma s 'Gr am always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures; he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... An American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother...
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for al l that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long,

For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq

Please feel free to cut and paste and share this poem with as many people as you feel the desire to.

May God bless you all

Sending all my love to “tumbling dice”

Gem ;)

Thank You!

2006-11-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

Well it is almost bed time on Sunday night. The end of what was a wonderful weekend. I was fortunate enough to spend Saturday and Saturday night with Mr. “tumbling dice” himself. Its always a pleasure for me to share time with him no matter how much or how little we do. If the man is not good for anything else he can damn sure cook. He made some of his famous “skettie” for me finally after asking him to for the last 2 yrs..lol.. And let me tell you guys it was well worth the wait. Everything has been well worth the wait, just wish I would have not had to wait for so long. Its all good and everything happens for a reason. I take advantage of every ounce he allows me and appreciate it beyond what I think anyone realizes including him. So anyway if you ever pass by and take a gander at what I come on and rattle about from time to time, I want to thank you for everything. I’m not sure you realize what you mean to me and how special I think you and your baby girl are, I only hope one day you will see it pouring from my soul.

Well tomorrow is going to be an interesting day for me. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 in the morning. I am finally going to get my tubes tied or as my 12 yr old says, get spayed ….lol.. Can you tell he was raised around dogs? Well none the less, he will be the only off spring I will ever have biologically and this is not a bad thing for me. He is growing up so fast but it is so wonderful to see. It just amazes me sometimes when I look at him, seems like yesterday he was still a baby. He was a wonderful baby once we got him on some good milk, but I’m just not the kind of person that wants a house full of kids or a baby around all the time. I don’t feel like this makes me a bad mother or a less nurturing mother, maybe just a more realistic one. I am very well aware of the fact that I am not capable of raising another child financially. I also know that I’m not just real fond of how this world seems to be turning and the direction a lot of things go in. I just don’t think the world needs me to bring another human being into it to go though the shit that so many live in daily. I feel like I am very fortunate to live how I do. I can feed my boy and we don’t go without anything we need. We are far from being well off, I’m just a poor white girl that bust her ass daily to make ends meet, but I’m proud to say that I don’t require assistance from the federal government to live day to day. So many people get caught up in the drugs which leads to crime which will inevitably lead to jail. So many babies are born in that cycle and they don’t know anything but that life. What a sad existence that must be. There are the few that seems to fall through the cracks of the cycle and can get out of it. I don’t down or judge anyone that has had trouble in the past, if anything it makes them more of a person than the ones like me that has always had life basically very simple and easy. Anyone that can bring themselves out of that and prosper deserves nothing but praise. Well I guess I will wrap this up for the night. I hope everyone has a wonderful week…

Thought of the day:

When we search
For answers, angels
Help us tap into
Our souls.

Sir, I love you.

God bless you all

Gem ;)

"The more I know the less I understand"

2006-11-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

Well its about time to wrap up another fun filled day. What a lovely day it has been. The holidays will be keeping me very busy at work for the next month and a half or so. So everyone pray that I keep my sanity and don’t do anything to irrational..lol…and then I came home from work…what would a typical day in the life of Monica be if I didn’t have some sort of drama with the “tumbling dice” himself. As always very enlightening but with the accomplishment of keeping me totally in the dark. When I think of him, song lyrics always seem to come to mind. It just depends on how irritated I happen to be with him at that moment and time..lol.. Tonight these words seem to come to mind, “ the more I know the less I understand”. this I am here to tell you all now is his goal in life..the more he can confuse me the happier he is..lol, that is the only explanation I have for this man. God bless his soul, I can’t help but love him. I probably should be asking for blessings myself, may God give me the strength and patience to deal with him. We all have choices in our life and the path we take is ours to decide. This just so happens to be mine. We don’t always take the right road, but with Gods forgiving heart and our faith in the Lord above, things will work out in the end. The roads we choose is what makes us the people we are, it is up to us to make the best of what life throws our direction. So no matter how rough it gets, how steep the hills may become, take a deep breath and keep trudging right along. So with that little soup for thought I think I will call it a night and go rest my weary eyes.

Thought of the day:

A hug delights and warms
And charms….that must be
Why God gave us arms.

May God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

That cannot be

2006-11-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

Well the weekend has come and went one more time and once again pretty uneventful. Lots of wasted hours and to much time for thought. Not much tonight to say just wanted to drop a line and share a poem. Needless to say I didn’t write it, but that doesn’t mean that its message is any less dynamic.

00' Dreaming of Love
by midnightj ©

In the still of night
I am at peace.
Alone though with
My love that cannot be.
Only but for moments
Though not enough in time
With my love.
I spend the nights alone
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Not because the love
Does not love me.

As the moments pass
My love fades
Bidding me A good night.
Alone in my solitude
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Wishing for the love
That cannot be held
By moon light.
My tears not to be seen
Falling silently for the love
I'll never hold at night
Because it cannot be.

I miss you dearly!

God bless

Gem ;)

aw a post thought

I Want You
Marvin Gaye

(Ad lib)

I want you the right way
I want you
But I want you to want me too
Want you to want me, baby
Just like I want you

I give you all the love
I want in return, sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel
It's too bad, it's too sad
You don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby

(* repeat)

This one way love is just fantasy, oh sugar
To share is precious, pure and fair
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby
Don't you wanna care
Aint it lonely out there

(* repeat)
(Ad lib)
(* repeat and fade)

And it gets better by the day!!

2006-11-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

Aw and what a joyous feeling it is to not be needed or wanted, that’s what everyone strives for I’m sure….well hope all has a safe and happy Saturday night…

God bless

Gem ;)

Over the river and through the hills

2006-11-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

Finally its Friday, this has been a really long week. Yesterday afternoon we got the pleasure of going over the river and through the hills to play ball. I didn’t know where I was going so I had to follow the bus in. let me tell you, it was an adventure. We was on logging roads, dirt roads most of the way. Its beautiful country up in there however, but took freakin forever to get there. I think its about 30 or 35 miles to the little school we went to, but it took us just over an hour to get there. A great deal of the trip, I had to drive it in 3rd gear, but anyway we finally made it and we set through 4 ballgames. The elementary almost always plays the same schools as the junior high so we can make one trip do it. The games was good and I got to talk to an old friend that I went to school with. She is actually the coaches wife but we just don’t get to talk much so it was nice to get a chance to visit with her. Well the junior high boys was the only ones that won and they played a pretty good game. In my rounds of walking and talking, I learned that I was not the only one that couldn’t find my way back down out of the hills. If it wasn’t for all the roads that Y off up in there it wouldn’t be to bad, but if we had got lost, we would have been up there all night. So a group of us parents got together and found us a leader..lol..a few people actually know how to get around up there and anyway we followed one another back out and I finally made it home about 10 last night. So long night but its always well worth it. Well I hope everyone has a good weekend, stay safe.

Miracles happen
To those who
Believe in angels.

God bless

Gem ;)

What is my major malfunction

2006-11-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

Joy joy to one and all. Hope everyone had a good day. As the holidays seem to be easing up on us, work is becoming more and more stressful with each passing day. Anyone that has never worked in the retail business during the holiday season really cant appreciate life as we know it..lol.. But it will all be over soon and we can breath again, its just really sad how society has made everything so commercialized and the true meaning of each holiday has fallen through the cracks. I have worked in the retail business for almost 14 yrs now and I shutter at the thought of thanksgiving and Christmas anymore. But as the past holidays have came and went, so will this one, but like last year, will spend it alone again. I have my family, they are wonderful, don’t get me wrong but its just not the same when you don’t have a partner to spend the holidays with.

Life has moments that really make you wonder what the hell. Such moments seem to happen to me pretty regularly anymore. I feel like I make a step forward and then get knocked back on my ass and each time it gets easier and easier to say the hell with it all. I guess that’s the purpose of it to begin with. What don’t kill us will make us stronger. One day me and my son will have the respect that we have earned and deserve.

Thought of the day:

Dreams color your
Soul with rainbow’s
Of hope.

God bless

Gem ;)

Hell of a game/Restriction

2006-11-07T15:52:00.000-08:00

Good evening, hope everyone has had a good day. I can't complain about mine, not that it would do any good if I did but nothing to complain about in my neck of the woods. Last night the boys had a ballgame, it was the most unreal thing I have ever saw in my life. I knew it was going to be a good game, the two little schools are very well matched and a lot of talent on the court in general. Well it was a very close game all 4 quarters and at the last few seconds we made the tying basket and sent it into overtime. It was totally deafening in the gym and the overtime clocked along like the whole game had, neck and neck. well one more time at the final couple seconds of the game, we scored and tied it up again. Folks before the night was over, those boys ended up going into overtime 4 times and ever time it was right at the buzzer. A person would have thought it was the high school championship play off and it was nothing but a simple junior high basketball game. Well the misery had to finally come to an end and when it did the scored ended up being 50 to 54 in favor of the guest team. I always love watching the kids play but last night I almost lost my voice cheering so much. Last night I got my 2 dollars worth of entertainment, it was incredible, not sure what I’m going to do when my boy either looses interest in sports or graduates..lol.. Well nothing else to exciting is going on in my life, but guess that’s not a big shocker to any of my one or two regular visitors..lol.. I never claimed to be miss excitement but its ok with me, makes life a little more simple.

I do have a little something that I would like to share with you all.

Restriction (ri-strik-shun)- 1: a principle that limits the extent of something.2: an act of limiting or restricting (as by regulation)3: the act of keeping something within specified bounds (by force if necessary)

What an interesting word. One that I’m sure everyone is familiar with but not sure if everyone understands its true meaning. We are all restricted in our lives daily but when it really hits home is when it’s a restriction from something that means a great deal to you.
I have managed to get myself restricted from a few things it seems here in the past few days, now I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to get out of it. Anyway just thought I would share a little definition of a basic word that has impacted my life just a little. All is good though, it will work out in the end…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offence, I love you regardless :x

Guess I’ll get this wrapped up for the night and close it with the thought of the day:

Wherever you go
Whatever you do….
May the angels
Watch over you.

Praise the Lord in all things….
For He has blessed our lives
With friendship!

Gem ;)

I'm back

2006-11-06T04:37:00.000-08:00

Good morning, I have to keep this short and sweet but promise to get back soon. Just wanted to let everyone know that I’m doing just fine, I have been a little busy and have just been slacking on doing my post. Maybe this evening I will have a chance to talk a little and share a thing or two that I have written. Until then I hope everyone is doing well and has a safe and wonderful day..

Thought of the day:

Carve quiet spaces in your life
And in the silence you will hear
The angels.

To my best friend and dearest beloved
I give to you every ounce of my love.
Weather it be out of insecurity or fear
You are the only one I want to hold near.
In your embrace I feel the comfort
In your kiss I feel your passion
In your eyes I see the love and know it could
Only have been sent from the angels above.

Your words explain it the best
some things find a crack...a fissure...and work their way in
until it seems as if they have always been there
like a cancer that spreads until it infects your very soul.
You done this long ago and you have ran rampant through my
Entire being. I know you love me too, I feel it in your touch.
Let down your guard and open your heart for my love will never part.
For ever and always
Your princess

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

How can anything so simple be so great?

2006-10-29T19:35:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to stop in and say hi so all of my two regular visitors don’t think I’m dead or anything..lol.. I was fortunate enough to spend the weekend with my “tumbling dice”. we didn’t do anything at all productive but it was a wonderful weekend…well I’m very tired tonight so I’ll keep it short. I do want to share a little poem I’ve written, its not very long but is very personal and words could not have any more truth.

By Gem

What a grand feeling it is to look upon your face
When I take you to another place
All your worries seem to vanish without a trace
As I settle into your warm embrace.

Oh and cant forget the thought of the day

Keep praying, but be thankful that God’s answers are wiser than our prayers!

All my love out to “tumbling dice”

My God bless you all

Gem ;)

Little of this....little of that

2006-10-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

Good evening to you all. It seems that Wednesday is rapidly coming to a close and I can say so far its been a decent week. It was good for me to get back to work. Life has settled down a bit for me one more time and that is always a plus. Basketball season has started up, we had our first game Monday night. The boys done really well, we have a very talented group of young men. They are just great athletes in general. Really good in baseball and they do very well In basketball as well. Blake is second string guard and post and I was impressed with how he handled the ball Monday night. Basketball is not his strong sport but he does ok. Well its going to be a busy winter I guess, we have another game Thursday night, life of a mom, its great.
Well I am really kind of struggling with the blog tonight, I guess I don’t have anything to bitch and gripe
about tonight which essentially is not a bad thing at all…lol..

Well I wanted to write a poem, but words didn’t flow to well tonight. I did come up with a couple of things and thought I would share one with you tonight…its nothing to grand, but at least its original and always from my heart.

In my arms I long to hold you near
Kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear
Words of good fortune and promises of sweet cheer.
Letting you know I will always be near.

by Gem

I will close with the thought of the day
May God bless you all

Happiness is like a kiss.
You must share it…
To enjoy it.

Love out to my “tumbling dice”

Gem ;)

Unanswered questions

2006-10-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

As it drifts into the evening hours of a Sunday afternoon, I’m setting here listening to some really awesome original music. Its always a pleasure to hear, but sometimes it reaches a little deeper into my soul. Today and basically the entire weekend has been wasted away. I will be glad to go back to work tomorrow actually. My mind has been doing way to much drifting and thinking for its own good the past few days. It takes me back to a time in my life that I wish not to visit. It has been a cool day, guess that fall has finally arrived. This is one of my most favorite times of the year, but it seems the cold today has kept me chilled to the bone. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up in a different state of mind and I can get my life back into its normal routine and feel like I have a place and purpose. I have been looking for it today, but yet to find it still. It was pointed out that I am basically doing it all to myself, which I guess might be true, I just have to pray that tomorrow will being a brighter day. It never fails to amaze me how I let emotion control every part of my being. Well I will not continue to whine about how things are not going how I wish they would, for I know it is very unbecoming of anyone. A lady I always try to be, but sometimes I fall and find it difficult to bring myself back to my feet.

I hope everyone has had a blessed weekend. I’m going to close it out with a little bit I wrote. Maybe it can be called a free form poem, I’m not really sure. That is not an area that I am real versed on. Its just a bunch of mumbo jumbo basically that floats around in my head that I put into words and attempted to give form.

A love so true

By Gem

In the depths of my soul lays a love greater than most men have ever known.
The ultimate gift that so many never have the chance to experience.
How do we choose who we give this precious gift to.
What makes one person superior over the rest.
So many questions and so few answers.
Why can we not choose who our heart loves
When will I realize it will never be appreciated and given back in the ways it should.
A gift so precious must be cherished and cared for
Tended like a garden and allowed to prosper and grow into the most beautiful love ever seen
Anyone that is ever been offered such a wonderful thing should honor it with all his being
Because a love so true is not meant for just anyone
A love so true is only meant for you.

You know I will always love you unconditionally with all my heart and soul. the question is do I have the strength to cope with you?

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

He that plants thorns must never expect to gather roses.

2006-10-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon one and all. Hope everyone is having a grand weekend. As I projected last night, mine is jacked up, but hey at least I expected it. I managed to set up till about 1:30 or 2 am this morning dwelling on life and how goofy I must be. Of course came to the same conclusion that I always do, I don’t understand anything about life. This is very disturbing for me, I am one that has a great desire to understand any and all that goes on. I feel like everything in life has a reason and a purpose for being the way it is or happening how it does. Well up until this point in my life, I have had very few things that I felt totally in the dark about. I have always been able to make some sort of reason out of about anything, and if I couldn’t, I didn’t feel like it was worth the time and effort. I have been told many times that I’m spoiled. To this I have always disagreed. Yes I did get a lot of things when I was growing up, but I never asked for much that I didn’t need. I’m not a materialistic type person, I’m very content with living a simple life, but on the same hand when I do make up my mind I want something I tend to be very hell bent on making that happen. Well I am not being very successful in that area at the moment either, so there for the words spoiled seem to come to mind. Is it a matter of being a brat and being mad cause I cant get what I want, or is it a matter of being so head strong that I am bound and determined to get what I want and I leave no room to compromise. No matter which one it is, it seems to be getting the best of me. If I thought I could throw down and have a temper tantrum I feel pretty confident I would have done that last night. But I’m realistic enough to know it would do no good at all. I have never ask for much of this situation, especially once I had a true concept of it all. But I guess asking anything at all is to much. So that being said, its apparent that my company is not desired. This brings on a somewhat uneasy feeling, not sure what has happened to make it undesired, I guess one day if I am lucky, I might know. I have always done any and everything in my power to be desired so it gives me a feeling of failure when my best is not enough. Trying to explain it and figure it out has not seemed to work for about 2 yrs now, not sure what makes me think I’m going to have some sort of revelation today and it all be clear. It would be nice, but obviously is not going to happen. I have already shed to many tears about this all and one day my tears will run dry. I saw a nifty little saying one time, something to the affect “ nothing dries sooner than tears.” one day I will be rejected one time to many and will be callused so it doesn’t hurt anymore, then I will be able to walk away. When that happens there will be no turning back. I am either all or none, there is no in between for me. The blisters seem to be a little less each time and my skin is thickening. I know this could be the most wonderful thing to ever happen in my life, and I am confident enough in myself to know that I do and will love beyond what most have ever experienced, but if it is not accepted then all have lost. We are put on this earth for only a short time. Some of us complete our missions sooner than others and pass on to a greater place. None of us know when our work on earth will be done and life is to short to live it in solitude. For some this is a safe place, no love then no chance of pain. I have not yet found the ability to not love and not care. When I was “made” up, they threw a little extra compassion in to my mixture I think. Some say its not a bad thing, but sometimes I really wonder, if I didn’t love so much and so deep then life would be much easier at times. But this is not the case and if there was ever a recall on it, I missed getting it all corrected, this is how I am and how I will always be. Not many has it ever been offered, I am kind of stingy with whom I choose to share it with, but it seems that my choices have not been so wise. Maybe I can blame it off on being blonde, that works with other things..lol… well none the less, so goes life, no one ever promised it to be easy or fair. If I ever done anything the easy way, I’m not sure I would know how to react.

Well in other news, I have learned that there is going to be a birthday party for a gentleman down at camp shagbark tonight. This is a lovely little place. Its on private land way down in BFE just south of the red river. Any and all are invited to share in the celebrations that take place down there…if you want to pitch a tent for a day or two you are more than welcome. They have a party barn and have a blues jam every month with live bands and just anyone that feels froggy enough to play. The music is awesome and the people have always been very nice. Its basically a bunch of bikers, but all I have had dealings with have been great people. My dear friends Terrie -aka biker nana and Cliffy said they might go down and see what all is going on. If they do, I may load up and ride down with them, its got to be better than setting here alone all night. So you all take care and have a great weekend, mine is sure to get better.

Cant forget my thought of the day:

The really happy person is
The one who can enjoy the
Scenery while on a detour.

May God bless and keep you safe in your endeavors.

Gem ;)