He that plants thorns must never expect to gather roses.

Good afternoon one and all. Hope everyone is having a grand weekend. As I projected last night, mine is jacked up, but hey at least I expected it. I managed to set up till about 1:30 or 2 am this morning dwelling on life and how goofy I must be. Of course came to the same conclusion that I always do, I don’t understand anything about life. This is very disturbing for me, I am one that has a great desire to understand any and all that goes on. I feel like everything in life has a reason and a purpose for being the way it is or happening how it does. Well up until this point in my life, I have had very few things that I felt totally in the dark about. I have always been able to make some sort of reason out of about anything, and if I couldn’t, I didn’t feel like it was worth the time and effort. I have been told many times that I’m spoiled. To this I have always disagreed. Yes I did get a lot of things when I was growing up, but I never asked for much that I didn’t need. I’m not a materialistic type person, I’m very content with living a simple life, but on the same hand when I do make up my mind I want something I tend to be very hell bent on making that happen. Well I am not being very successful in that area at the moment either, so there for the words spoiled seem to come to mind. Is it a matter of being a brat and being mad cause I cant get what I want, or is it a matter of being so head strong that I am bound and determined to get what I want and I leave no room to compromise. No matter which one it is, it seems to be getting the best of me. If I thought I could throw down and have a temper tantrum I feel pretty confident I would have done that last night. But I’m realistic enough to know it would do no good at all. I have never ask for much of this situation, especially once I had a true concept of it all. But I guess asking anything at all is to much. So that being said, its apparent that my company is not desired. This brings on a somewhat uneasy feeling, not sure what has happened to make it undesired, I guess one day if I am lucky, I might know. I have always done any and everything in my power to be desired so it gives me a feeling of failure when my best is not enough. Trying to explain it and figure it out has not seemed to work for about 2 yrs now, not sure what makes me think I’m going to have some sort of revelation today and it all be clear. It would be nice, but obviously is not going to happen. I have already shed to many tears about this all and one day my tears will run dry. I saw a nifty little saying one time, something to the affect “ nothing dries sooner than tears.” one day I will be rejected one time to many and will be callused so it doesn’t hurt anymore, then I will be able to walk away. When that happens there will be no turning back. I am either all or none, there is no in between for me. The blisters seem to be a little less each time and my skin is thickening. I know this could be the most wonderful thing to ever happen in my life, and I am confident enough in myself to know that I do and will love beyond what most have ever experienced, but if it is not accepted then all have lost. We are put on this earth for only a short time. Some of us complete our missions sooner than others and pass on to a greater place. None of us know when our work on earth will be done and life is to short to live it in solitude. For some this is a safe place, no love then no chance of pain. I have not yet found the ability to not love and not care. When I was “made” up, they threw a little extra compassion in to my mixture I think. Some say its not a bad thing, but sometimes I really wonder, if I didn’t love so much and so deep then life would be much easier at times. But this is not the case and if there was ever a recall on it, I missed getting it all corrected, this is how I am and how I will always be. Not many has it ever been offered, I am kind of stingy with whom I choose to share it with, but it seems that my choices have not been so wise. Maybe I can blame it off on being blonde, that works with other things..lol… well none the less, so goes life, no one ever promised it to be easy or fair. If I ever done anything the easy way, I’m not sure I would know how to react.

Well in other news, I have learned that there is going to be a birthday party for a gentleman down at camp shagbark tonight. This is a lovely little place. Its on private land way down in BFE just south of the red river. Any and all are invited to share in the celebrations that take place down there…if you want to pitch a tent for a day or two you are more than welcome. They have a party barn and have a blues jam every month with live bands and just anyone that feels froggy enough to play. The music is awesome and the people have always been very nice. Its basically a bunch of bikers, but all I have had dealings with have been great people. My dear friends Terrie -aka biker nana and Cliffy said they might go down and see what all is going on. If they do, I may load up and ride down with them, its got to be better than setting here alone all night. So you all take care and have a great weekend, mine is sure to get better.

Cant forget my thought of the day:

The really happy person is
The one who can enjoy the
Scenery while on a detour.

May God bless and keep you safe in your endeavors.


Gem ;)