What is "happy"

Well its afternoon on wed. I got up around 2 yesterday and worked all night and I’ve not managed to make it to bed yet. Probably no the best thing in the world, but that’s how it has happened today anyway.
Our lives are filled with crossroads, but I’m thinking I have a couple more than most people do. I’m sure it is road construction that I have done myself, but none the less they are there. What in life do we live for? What do each of us need in our life to make it whole? What direction do you go? Which road is the best for you? What is “Happy”??
The dictionary explains happy as:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing:
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:

Synonyms 1. joyous, joyful, blithe, cheerful, merry, contented, gay, blissful, satisfied. 3. favorable, propitious; successful, prosperous.
Will I ever figure out which road leads there?

God bless?




Gem ;)

It is a harley davidson world

Ok well it is Tuesday afternoon and I am a little slow at getting back to the blog. I had a very long day yesterday, but things went really well. I worked 7-4 and then went back at 9 and got off at 7 this morning. We are setting my dreaded modulars but got a lot accomplished last night. I came home and crashed this morning after I finally wound down and slept for a few hrs. I am still a little sleepy, but I know if I go back to sleep I will feel like crap. I hope to get everything done this week, would love to see “tumbling dice” again this weekend, but that is probably a bit to much to ask for, but hey you know me, if you don’t ask you don’t know huh..lol..
I had a wonderful weekend last weekend with him. He is officially the proud owner of a 2004 harley Davidson fatboy.

We went into the city on Saturday to get a helmet and a cover for it and it has a small dent in the back fender and he went ahead and ordered him a new fender. He absolutely cracks me up, he is worse than a little boy with a new toy, but I think its great. He has been needing this for a while now. You can just see the excitement In him about it. I worry so much about him riding, it has been years since he has been on a bike, but I know he will be careful and I pray that God watches over him and keeps him safe.

Sunday we got around and went and he bought all kinds of stuff to clean and polish it with. Got back to the house and I set around and watched him love on his new baby for a good 3 hrs probably..lol.. He got it all washed and dried and shined up and I was able to get a few pictures of it. I’m sure there will be more in the future. He is wanting to ride to brick town this summer in OKC to a blues fest they have every year. It is in June and I’m really looking forward to it. I know he got the bike to get out and relax and don’t want to wag me around all the time, its going to be hard, but I have to understand he needs his time and his space to enjoy it sometimes, but you can bet your sweet ass that if I have any say in the matter, I will have a nice little ass print on that back seat. I hope you enjoyed the pictures and plan on seeing more in the future. Aw and baseball season is almost underway, we have our first game next week so also expect to see a few baseball pictures also. With that in mind I will leave you with the thought of the day:

Angels give you those
Gentle pats on the back
You need to keep going.

May God bless you all and an angel keep you wrapped in her wings.

All my love goes out to my best friend!

Gem ;)

And its monday, are we excited yet!!!

Happy Monday morning, hope everyone is excited about it as I am…just wanted to stop in and let all my 3 regular viewers know that I’ve not died. Maybe I will have a chance to write a little tonight. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

God bless

Gem ;)

The road to normal, is there such place?

Well good evening one and all. I think I have finally over come my sickness and I got my son back home today so I am much more settled in than the last time I posted. My grandmas funeral will be tomorrow at 2 and then my best friend Debbie’s grandmothers services will be wed at 10 am. Seems like when something starts to fall apart the whole damn things crumbles. Hopefully soon we will all be back to normal again, I’m sure ready for it.
Well I don’t really have much to blog about tonight, nothing really exciting going on right now, maybe that will change one day. I have a really cool friend that I have the chance to talk to from time to time that insist that I am always hiding and that is why I can never find anyone for me. Well maybe one of these days I will come out from under my rock and stop hiding from the rest of the world, I guess anything is possible.
I’m going to send best wishes out to “tumbling dice” he has made the decision to open up a new chapter in his life which I am very glad he has done. I thought that I was going to get to share in it, but it has been made very clear that I am not welcome in that world. I hope all goes well for him and he finds what he seeks and enjoys his time.


“Thanks be unto God
for his unspeakable gift”
-2 Corinthians 9:15


May God bless you all and keep you safe

Gem ;)

May she rest in peace

In this ever changing world of life as we know it, one has to wonder exactly how much pain a heart can with stand.
I have always been told that God would never put more on your shoulders than one can carry but I have days that I think he might have me mixed up with someone just a little stronger than me. I try to keep a positive outlook on life for the most part, and some days it works pretty good. My friends for example. I have the most wonderful friends a person could ask for. They would all do anything in there power to help me any time I ask or any time they thought I needed help. I know this is one of my many blessings from God.
This week has been one of those very trying weeks for me. Work is becoming very hectic for me in the eve of modulars and inventory. I have two weeks vacation that I have to burn before may 9th and I’m rapidly running out of time to get it in. Monday and Tuesday was pretty typical for me at work but when I came home Tuesday night I got thrown for a little of a loop. Me and my dear friend “tumbling dice” have not been doing the best in the world, which is basically typical. A person can only be pushed back so far before she falls off the edge. One more time I was grasping on with the tips of my figures and he comes along and I feel like I am needed, weather I was or not, I had that feeling. So I climbed back up to my feet and in his grip he holds me once more. I’m not sure how a person can have such power over another. If anyone had ever told me that I could be done like that I would have laughed in there face. I have always viewed myself as somewhat of a strong person and have been pretty good at holding my ground, but when it comes to a matter of the heart, well I guess I fail all the way around. If my heart ever becomes as strong as my mind then I will be able to conquer all. So with all that said, wed morning I loaded up and went to Ada instead of work…lol…ironic huh. One of those vacation days I needed to burn. We had planned on going to the city and looking at some bikes, he has decided it is time to buy a Harley. Well it started snowing on me a bit that morning on the way up and by the time I got to Ada, he was hearing reports that the city was starting to get a little slick in some spots so he decided not to go up. He has a friend there in town that has been wanting him to come look at his bike. So we get a hold of him and went out and take a look at it. It’s a really nice bike. A 2004 I believe with just a little over 7k miles on it. A beautiful black fat boy that has been totally chromed out. Seems like a hell of a deal. I think he has decided to get it, but wants to look at it one more time and make sure he didn’t over look anything. Well we had a good day, didn’t do anything to amount to anything, but the time spent was nice. I have a hell of a time with my sinuses and once again my head is stopping up so I have been taking some meds and wed evening I was having a lot of trouble staying awake for any length of time. Was a little scared to make the two hr trip back home that night but knew I had to be at work at 7am. Well I figured it would be easier for me to get up early and head out as it would be to fight falling asleep that night to get home, and well what can I say, I did want to sleep in his nice comfy bed..lol. But I wasn’t able to sleep for some reason, seems like I saw every hour on the hour and then some half hrs on the clock, not sure if it was the meds or me being scared I would oversleep. But anyway I made it up and back to Hugo by 7 am Thursday morning. Work really sucked Thursday, I felt like total crap. The work day finally came to an end and going home was all I could think about. Well I get to my turn and I glance down towards my grandparents house and I see an ambulance. My first thought was, well one of them has fallen or my uncle has hurt himself or something like that. I start to not even go down and think, well I better go see just incase its something major. Well I get there and the emt’s are coming out of the house with the stretcher and its empty so I think everything is ok…
Well I get in and see granddaddy and my uncle setting in the living room and my aunt is on the phone…then I see grandma in the floor and she is covered up, my aunt grabs hold of me and tells me that grandma has died….ok let me tell you this is not something that a person is ever ready for… I know it is part of life and it is going to happen to us all sooner or later, but we all prefer the latter as to the sooner. I was told that she had got a cup of coffee and was going out on the back porch to smoke. She has smoked forever but never wanted anyone to know about it. We all knew but it was never spoken of. But anyway aunt Barbara said that granddaddy thought she had passed out so he pulled her in the house and called her, well when she and the ambulance got there grandma had already passed. We live about 15 miles out of town so it took a few minutes for anyone to get here. This should not be a sad occasion for she is now in a better place. It is us being selfish as we mourn her passing. She was a wonderful lady and a very very intelligent person. I am very proud to know that she was my grandma. She endured pure hell at times but always stuck by her family. Mom was telling me that her and granddaddy got married when they was 15, she was just a few months older than him. This is what people in today’s world are lacking. The will to stand beside your mate through thick and thin and make it work. No one ever promised us that life would be easy, but when you love someone, you have to stand with them through the good and the bad.
I remember being a kid, I wanted to be one of those grandmas that was married for like 70 yrs. I think that is so awesome. Well here I am at a ripe age of 33 and well you know my situation. Being married is really the last thing on my mind right now, so me being married to the same man for 70 yrs is pretty much out the window for me…lol… maybe one day I will settle in somewhere and God willing have grandchildren of my own ( a long ways down the road) and I only pray that I am looked upon as I always looked upon my grandma….may you rest in peace, you will be missed greatly, and please give daddy a hug for me…


“I am with you always”
Matthew 28:20


And to my “tumbling dice”, a true love with no doubt, even when I try to tune it out.

To Care About Someone
© by AngelWinks

To care about someone
Is to feel them in your heart
To think about them endlessly
And pray you'll never part.

You care about their happiness
More than they could know
You wish them joy mixed in with love
And let your feelings show.

To care about someone
Is to give your heart away
To trust them with your innermost thoughts
And believe they're with you come what may.

When you dare to care that way
And give them your heart so true
You feel a special connection
And there's nothing you wouldn't do.

I honestly care about you
It's time that you should know
You mean the world and more to me
And these feelings continue to grow.

Please don't be afraid to care for me
My heart is reaching out to you
It's sweet and true and I pray you know
It's Always and Forever Meant Only For You!


May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Never be

So how exactly does a person come to grips with knowing what you have wanted for so very long will never be. Its always been said and spoken of, but I never really believed it I guess. I always thought that if I really put my heart into it and set my mind to it, it would eventually happen. I was willing to be patient if that’s what it was going to take, but alas it wasn’t enough. I am a very strong person, but not strong enough……. And life goes on……

Never be
By Gem ;)

One more tear falls to my breast
As I know in my heart I have done my best

The pain of reality cuts me so deep
As I feel the blood start to seep

onto my soul it burns like fire
Why do I have such a desire

To be enveloped by your arms
Knowing it brings my spirit such harm

To you I always wanted to belong
But now I realize all hope is gone.

I know your love for me is true
But your heart cant see it through.

You have given me joy greater than I’ve ever known
But in the same breath you have cut me to the bone
You will always be in my heart
A lost soul in the dark

A love that I will never forget
A love that I sometimes regret

Thank you for all you have given me
Even though our love will never be.


God bless

Gem ;(

Dinner and a movie

Well the weekend is rapidly coming to an end. It has been a very quiet one. Not so bad just a little lonesome. My son took a trip to Durant Saturday and went to a christian concert. He had a really good time, is still talking about it today. Today he and I had a day out. We went to Paris to pick him up some new cleats. Yes folks it is once again time for spring baseball….YEE HAW!!!!!…lol..yes I am ready for a little baseball action. We took time out to have lunch and catch a movie. All in all it was a really good day for us.
Well don’t really have a lot to say, but that seems pretty typical here lately for me. I did write a little poem tonight that I would like to post. Its nothing to great but its mine.




One day
by Gem ;)

I’m tired of being sad
I want to be glad

Let all my days be filled with joyous cheer
For I don’t want to shed one more tear

God gave us only one life
We should not live it in strife

To be happy and have love in my heart
And not feel like my world has fallen apart
Is all I’ve wanted from the start

One day someone will love me
then my heart will be set free

To give all the love
That I know I’m capable of.


Thought of the day:

Love puts a twinkle
in your eye and a
smile in your heart.

God bless

Gem ;)

I'm the only one

Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Title: I'm the Only One


(M. Etheridge)

Please baby can't you see
My mind's a burnin' hell
I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin' like something
That might be good for you

chorus
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
nothing's wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that you're hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see
I'm trying to explain
I've been here before and I'm locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won't make
it go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

chorus

when will i learn

Ok I did scream and it didn’t do a damn bit of good. I also discovered that missing and longing don’t accomplish any thing either.

Gem ;)

Question of the day

Do you ever want to just FUCKING scream!!!!!!

uuuuuggggghhhhh

Well tonight is one of those nights I want to say so much but don’t honestly know where to start. I have a million and one thoughts going on in my head. Actually its probably not the best time to be talking actually considering the mood I am in….so I guess I will just settle in and maybe share a little poem and call it good…

Dark Clouds

Dark clouds rush over me.
A sea of endless Night.
A wall of dark clouds never ending, never beginning.
They envelop my mind and Soul.
They are thoughts deep within me.
I am searching for a man to take me out of my clouds.
A man to take my life and make it whole.
Help me ascend to the stars.
He will take my heart and soul and control me.
He will lead me out of the dark into a new light.
A light that is in a dark submissive world, that will shine bright.
My mind will soar with his control.
I will gain new wings to fly.
My body will learn to accept new ways of pleasure.
Who is this Man?
A Dom? A Master? A Soul mate.
He will Love, honor, and cherish me.
At the same time he will control me and teach me.
Will I ever know this man?
Yes, When my dark clouds turn to light.
And he finds in me my submissive heart.

Thought of the day:

Count your age
by friends-not years.
Count your life
by smiles-not tears.

May God bless you all

Gem ;)

Just another peom

A love lost
by Gem


As I set here and wonder where I go wrong
I can only think of your love and how it is gone.

For two years I prayed it would be true
To have someone like you love me too.

I always thought that love conquered all
But it has only lead me into a wall.

As I set and cry
I feel like life is passing me by

To you I gave my life
Now I feel my heart has been cut with a knife.

I’m not sure why you let this go on
For you saw the love as I looked upon

Your eyes so honest and true
Oh how I thought you loved me too.

You knew all along you would never love me
Yet you still held the key.

A key to the heart filled with love beyond compare
A soul so pure it was almost rare.

A truer love you will never find
How could you have been so blind.

I know one day I will find a love so true
I just hoped it would have been you.

Will it ever be better?

Failed Pray
by Memories ©

I have tears in my eyes but they do not fall,
bleeding and weak I cannot crawl.
I'm screaming inside can you hear my pain,
as the evidence washes away with every drop of rain.
I am seeping into hell, for there is no way out,
searching for one single breathe strong enough to shout.
Noone to rescue me, I'm trapped in fear.
the sound of ripping flesh is all that I hear.
The flesh is my own and the pain is intense,
I've been raped of my spirit , I have no defense.
Violation of my life, punished to burn,
with every slit I feel my stomach turn.
Bitter trauma, but I shall not cry,
For pleasure for me will be when I die

One small step up the mountain

Good evening from greater southeast Oklahoma. Well here it is Thursday night, seems like the week has flown by. Work is going remarkably well, I’m getting lots of things done so that always gives me a sense of accomplishment. That is a feeling that I really need right now, this has been a really messed up week for me but I guess life goes on. All I can do is make the best of what has happened. I will always wonder what I do wrong. Everything happens for a reason, I just seem to have trouble seeing the reason sometimes.


Last Dance
by Aingael ©

my eyes swell from the tears they shed
my heart aches from the words we have said
forever i shall feel the love i have in my heart
but still, it’s almost too much,
the the thought of being apart.
my mind is tired my thoughts run wild
i feel so vulnerable, almost as a child.
i have no one to blame for life's outcome.
yet i just know what’s here inside is very dear.
my words won't come as id like for them to.
i can't clear my mind
of my thoughts of you
if the hands of time would only turn back
and, in my mind, i wish the unreal
my heart is breaking how do i stop the pain?
i know in my heart i must let you go,
yet my Best Friend i shall lose too.
i have many memories of the love we have shared
if only...
no, You knew i cared.
silence falls deep inside of me.
for id always thought it was meant to be.
all those precious memories i will keep wrapped up
with covers of love and stow away
hoping to share them with you again, someday.
time will lick and heal all these many wounds,
and God will see me through

So please forgive me
if i still have many thoughts of you.
the anger is hard to keep away
the love is greater, and soon wins out
for that is what these words are all about

and in this lifetime...well....maybe
if given a second chance, I’d save, just for you, one
last dance.

Thought of the day

It’s always important to remember
The wind from one door closing
Opens another one.


May God bless you all


Gem ;)